Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Social Tip #51 - Hitting On Your Doctor

My friend told me about his trip to the doctor this morning. "I was lusting over my doctor," he said, "and I gave him my phone number."

"Sounds sexy," I responded, "If it turns out you don't have AIDS, maybe he'll call you."

Monday, March 30, 2009

Social Tip #50 - The Socratic Method

Socrates taught me his method of Socratic Questioning so well that I thought I came up with it myself.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Social Tip #49 - Pretentiousness*

Somebody told me that I was pretentious.

I said, "I'm not pretentious, you just don't understand me because you're fucking stupid."

*Not pretention, you art fuck.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Social Tip #48 - Advice on Starting a Blog

Here is another installment of my burgeoning advice column. Please feel free to send in your own questions.

The question:
Dear Myka,
I'm starting a blog. I need to trick people into reading my blog. People seem to read your blog. As someone who has clearly tricked people into reading her blog, how would you suggest I trick people into reading mine?
My advice:
Dear Blogtarded,
First off, you are doing a great job already with the short sentences. People don't like to have their thoughts connected for them, so keep up the good work!
Now, as for your question, you could always do what I do and "trick" people into reading your blog by being interesting. Ill help you get started with some interesting topics:

- The very first time you got caught masturbating at school
- The very last time you saw your sister alive
- The best and worst day of your life ( I stole this one from City Slickers, but its still good)
- List the erogenous zones and their origins

This should be enough to initiate some traffic.

The next thing you should do is pick a family member and exploit their flaws for comedic value. Allow that family member to cut all ties with you and let them die first having never said goodbye. Feel guilty about it for the rest of your life.

Social Tip #47 - Chatting With Strangers

A friend alerted me to http://omegle.com/

It connects complete strangers for a chat. It is time to submit my newly developed social skills to one-on-one combat.

My first chat:
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: You there
Stranger: What do you want?
You: A decent paycheck. What do you want?
Stranger: Want to see a picture of a cute kitten?
You: Yeah. definitely.
Stranger: http://teo.esuper.ro/wp-content/images/cute_cat01.jpg
You: Wow, that is cute. You knew exactly what I wanted.
Stranger: I did! I did!
Stranger has disconnected

What?? They left my conversation already? I tried again.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: cock
You: face
Stranger: nose. i win. rolf
You: when is the last time you took a dump?
Stranger: 6 hrs ago
Stranger: twas vwey plesent
You: nice
You have disconnected.
Take that! I won and disconnected first. One more time to prove I understand how this works.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Are you here for kittens or fuckin?
Stranger: Kittens :)
You: http://teo.esuper.ro/wp-content/images/cute_cat01.jpg
Stranger: Awwwee. That is cute!
You: I win again!
You have disconnected
P.S. I couldn't give it up. One last one:
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: why did my last person disconnect form me?
Stranger: because they hate you
Stranger: you smell funny
Stranger: you have a disgusting personality
You have disconnected.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Social Tip #46 - Giving Advice

So, some of my readers have decided that I would make a good advice columnist and have started writing me with their problems. New career for me? I will post the original question and my response below.

The Question:

Dearest Fox:

I'm writing you with my latest career quandary. Lately I've been feeling the urge to live like a true pauper and pursue a career in comedy, but my mom wants me to do something meaningless like going to law or med school. I'd rather go play in an EZ Bake Oven!

What's a girl to do?

Anne Onimous
(not to be confused with Anne Frank)

My response:
Dearest AO,

You should listen to your mom and cut out the bullshit. There is already too much unfunny clogging up the comedy circuit. I can tell you how your experience will go down exactly. You'll ride the temporary thrill of slumming the pauper lifestyle, making opaque observations about morning-after sex and stealing drink tickets. Eventually you will become bored begging to perform for German tourists and taking drugs from strangers, and will hop on the first meaningless doctor or lawyer who can tolerate the annoying screech you have become, marry him, and brag to your children about how you once subversively mocked American Idol while open mic-ing it in a basement below an Italian Restaurant.

I feel healed. Please feel free to write me with your own questions, I am ready to help.
Social Tip #45 - Necrophilia

There is a really detached side of me that doesn’t understand why it is so bad to fuck a dead person. Sometimes I don’t even understand why anyone would want to fuck a live person.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Social Tip #44 - Denying Anne Frank

In keeping with my New Year's resolution- read more- I decided to pick up Anne Frank's latest novel, The Diary of Anne Frank.

It is an amazing book, and extremely well-written for a thirteen-year-old girl. Isn't it a little too well-written? A little too inspirational?

I don't think Anne wrote this book. I'm not saying she didn't go through those terrible experiences, I'm not a holocaust denier.

I'm an Anne Frank denier.

What kind of kid is forced into hiding and writes, "The queerest events have taken place today, diary"?

If Anne Frank's diary were actually written by a thirteen-year-old it would more likely go like this:

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! The Germans are trying to exterminate me and no one is ever going to touch my boobs!"


"Mean Nazis Suck! LOL! ^-^"
Social tip #43 - College

I saw a billboard today advertising Pembroke College. It read "Go here to become what you want to be," and then there was a picture of a guy in a hat.

"Go here to wear a hat. The rest is up to you!"

The hat wasn't even a graduation cap. It was just some art fuck wearing a fedora.

"Go here to waste your parents money so that you can stand around all day and judge other people for not having a college degree. Or a hat."

Not that I'm saying you can't wear a hat. You can wear whatever you want to. Just not as a life goal.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Social Tip #42 - Slavery*

Before this remarkable country abolished slavery, creative slaveholders would justify their actions by claiming that "You can't spell freedom without slavery."

Unfortunately, the slaves didn't know this was incorrect until after they had already been freed and given the right to learn how to read and spell.
* Do not enslave

Friday, March 20, 2009

Social Tip #41 - Abortion

A friend asked me, "Myka, if you ever became pregnant, and you knew the baby was going to be handicapped, would you get an abortion?"

I had to think about it for a second. I was like, "Ummm, I’m pretty sure I’d get an abortion either way."

A baby doesn’t need to be retarded for me to not want it. In fact, if I were to keep any baby, it would be a retarded one. All of that unconditional love. And it would be much easier to help them with their homework.

I feel the same way about having a baby as I do about having a microwave. I don’t want to bring anything into my house that could kill me in the future.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Social Tip #40 - Going in the Wrong Direction

I went for a walk today and noticed a pile of puke. Then I looked up and saw the man who puked it, in mid-puke.

It seems that I should have noticed the man first, not the other way around. But also, in a perfect world, I should have seen the food go into his mouth, not out of it. So I guess it fits and I'll let this one slide. Slide out of his mouth and onto the sidewalk and onto a pile of trash in the curb.

My life is like the movie "Memento", but with vomit.*
*I never saw "Memento"

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Social Tip #39 - Who's Your Daddy?

I was walking down the street and I heard this guy behind me saying "Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?"

I turned around and I saw some middle-aged guy talking to a three year old kid.

What the fuck was going on there? Was it his kid, and he was trying to console the kid by reassuring him that his father was there? Or was it some random lost child and this guy was trying to help?

Either way, why doesn't this guy know he can't say that anymore? "Who's your daddy?" has been commandeered by the sexually active community and can never be uttered genuinely again.

Social Tip #38 - Respecting Public Authorities

I went to the park today and passed a skating rink. There was a sign on the front that read "Restrooms are for rink customers only."

And I thought, "I dont really need to go to the bathroom, but now that you mention it it couldn't hurt.

I blazed past five more signs inside the rink on the way to the bathroom, peed, and turned on my heels to walk back out. I ran right into a rink official.
"Bathrooms are for customers only," he said to me. "Are you a customer?"

"Oh. ok," I said, "I'm a customer."

"That's impossible," he said, "we don't have any customers today, we're closed."
"Too bad" I said. "I would have offered to pay the admission in exchange for using the bathroom. And anyway, don't sweat it, I barely even peed. You can go on in there and check if you like."

Social Tip # 37 - Anorexia

When I was in middle school I was kind of fat. I mean, I wasn't as fat as those people who have to dress up like vampires so people won't notice how fat they are, but I did only have one friend. And she was anorexic. And I'm pretty sure she only hung out with me to make herself look thinner by comparison.

We ate lunch together everyday. She ate the same thing every day: 1 Diet Coke and 1 rice cake.

One day, while I was wolfing down my own lunch, she caught me staring at her as she was nibbling at her little fucking rice cake.

"What?" she asked

And I was like, "Can I have some?"

She died that year. I probably should have let her finish that rice cake.

Don't feel bad or anything, all anorexics go to heaven. There's enough room for them. It's not a space issue or anything.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Social tip #36 - The Genuine Article

Despite my every attempt at sabotaging success, I'm on the cover of Trespass Magazine.




Thursday, March 12, 2009

Social Tip #35 - Conjoined Twins

I saw a special on conjoined twins, Lori and Dori Schappell. They are even more interesting than normal conjoined twins, because these girls are conjoined at the head. And one of the twins is much larger than the other, so the larger one's lot in life includes dragging the littler one around on a cart. Dragging her around by the head.

I became obsessed with these girls. I don't usually get starstruck, but it is different when you've watched a video of your favorite celebrities being removed from a uterus.

I defy you not to love them, they really seem happy in every interview they've given. They even have different career aspirations, which blows my mind. I can't believe I'd succeed at anything, and these girls think they can do two different things.

The small girl on the cart wants to be a country singer, I guess it makes sense to develop some lofty goals if you travel everywhere by head-cart. And she was met with some success, actually. Her music can be heard at the end of the movie "Stuck on you."

The other girl wanted to be a dentist. Holy cat barf! Not only are you going to go to eight years of college, but you are going to do it while dragging a person around by the head? Good for you!

My only real concern is.... aren't people are already afraid to go to the dentist?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Social Tip #34 - The Homeless

I am fascinated by homeless people, but am too afraid to look directly at them. I assume it would result in a conversation like this:
Homeless Person: Are you staring at my bad eye?

Me: No, I'm staring at your good eye.
That is why I've created a new reality show. You take nine homeless people and you put them in a house. And then you let them live there. No crew, no cameras, just a place to live. I call it "Homeless House."

Also, universal health care would be nice.
Social Tip #33 - Living with Jews

I wrote a few posts back about living with an orthodox Jew. Here is an old diary entry I found that can illuminate his character in more detail:

(Originally written 4/22/06)

Oh. My. God. My creepy roommate. His name is Jerry. He is a balding, pudgy, sworn to dorkdom, totally in love with me, super Jew. He stares at my breasts unapologetically when he talks to me.

Jerry teaches physics at NYU, those poor students. I had a biology teacher in high school, Mr. Spaulding, who Sequester girls in his back office for constructive criticism while massaging their hand and staring at their tits. I actually had a couple teachers like that, but Mr. Spaulding was the only one that got caught. One day he didn't show up to school and never came back. I came to learn that he tried to molest his adopted daughter and she bit his thumb off in self defense. Could Jerry become this guy?

Jerry told me he was going out of town for the night, a big bachelor party in Atlantic City. He poeticised about eating steaks, which lead to bragging about how he was a professional chef in the spare time he found when he was not professing or researching. Stop trying to impress me with your hobbies, it won't make me sleep with you.

He offered me a massage (for my back, not my hand like Mr. Spaulding did, but still), and, right or wrong, I never turn down a massage. Wrong. He wasn't missing any thumbs, but it still violated my soul all the way down to its dark dead core. I will turn the massage down next time.

Later that night I invited friends over so that we could rummage through his room to see what incriminating shit we could find. I hadn't been in there, just smelled it from the outside.

I expected it to take a while searching in his room to find something disgusting, but I found something in the first five seconds. Right in front of his couch, next to the lotion and tissues (ew), was a 2 liter bottle of Coke. Only. The Coke didn't look like coke. It looked like piss. I looked closely but could not be certain. Maybe a bit too orangey. And was there some foam on top? Is piss foamy?

I had to be sure. My best friend (thanks to that moment), Jaquelyn, volunteered to open the bottle and smell. Me and my uber-gay Broadway boyfriend, Bradly, shrieked and gagged wihle she put her nose right in there and took a whiff. And then another whiff. She held her nose in it for a while.

Well? She said she couldn't tell. We needed a second opinion. I ran out to the kitchen to barf, but, of course, I couldn't. Bradly leaned down to smell the fluid, and the second he got his nose near the opening of the bottle he jumped away and screamed "It is! It is!"

Jerry keeps a 2-liter bottle of piss in his room. Wow. I want to think it is because it is such a pain in the ass to go to the bathroom in the hallway, but man. Piss in the shower like a decent person. Don't live a life where you return after a long weekend to a bottle of your own waste.

Also in Jerry's room were about thirty ballroom dancing trophies.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Social Tip #32 - Being Impressive

Other people's families are really impressed with what I am doing and how I've turned out.

My family is not impressed, but they don't think of me as the girl that came from that terrible family.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Social tip #31 - Technological Advancement

My Dad loves Myspace.

He put a lot of work into his profile. His headline says, "Party with me." Under who I'd like to meet he wrote, "Hot friendly affectionate chicks, party animals, rock stars, porn stars, Alicia Silverstone. Get the picture?" Under the category of children he wrote, "I don't want children."

Here is a message I got from him on Mysapce:
Subject Line: Phone etc

Body: How r u? Your phone's dead. Did u get evicted? Where r u living?
My father, ladies and gentleman. He is 57 years old (47 on Myspace), and he logs onto a dead social networking site to befriend strippers he has met while out "clubbin,'" and to ask me serious questions about my life in text abbreviations. This is what I wrote back...
Subject Line: Evthang Kewl
Body: I H8 evikshun. Sold my phone 4 drugs LOL. Livng on street with crakt out homeless man etc. TTYL!
It reminds me of the time my sister texted me to tell me about my grandfather.
From Heather: Grandpa died. Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld.

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Social Tip #30 - Gateway Drugs

When I was in middle school I knew this kid who was forced to to take Ritalin even though he hated it, and it was a daily event to watch him get chased through the halls by the school nurse. I went back to my hometown recently and found out he had become a heroine addict.

I watched the Care Bears today and found a designer coffee shop on the main drag of Care Bear Square. It turns out that Care Bears are really ramped up on the last legal addictive stimulant, and that is why they stare. Also on the block was Surprise Bear's Methadone Clinic and a Mac Genius Bar.

Hey DEA, if your looking for the modern gateway drug, I'd start with Saturday morning cartoons and the public school system.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Social Tip #29 - Buddhism

I wish I were a Zen Buddhist Master. Then I would have none of the answers.

Master, what is the meaning of life?

Me: Imagine a porn-star's career in the other direction.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Social Tip #28 - Attention Deficit Disorder

Other people are always trying to convince me that I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I hate that name, it is so accusatory. You can't pay attention.

Maybe my problem isn't that I can't pay attention, maybe it is just that nothing you say is as interesting as what is going on inside my head. Did you ever think of that?

Pay attention to this: maybe I don't have Attention Deficit Disorder, maybe you just have You're Really Boring Disorder.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Social Tip #27 - Recalling Fond Memories

I love TV. Here is a transcript from a classic episode of the Morning Show in 2006:

Bindi Irwin: Hi. I’m Bindi Irwin, and I’m on the Morning Show because my daddy was killed by a stingray on TV

TV Host 1: Oh, yes, I remember that video. Horrible. It just goes right through him.

TV Host 2: Who could forget? They made a costume of him for Halloween, my husband wore it. It had a stingray coming straight trough his heart.

Bindi Irwin: I wore that costume as well.

Social Tip #26 - Insanity

I always thought that mental illness was so romantic when I was younger. I wished and hoped and prayed that I would become a woman of madness, living a painful and creative existence like Emily Dickinson or what’s-her-name.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Social Tip #25 - Sex

I haven't slept with that many people, so last summer I decided to start having one-night stands. It's not that I really enjoy sex, I just don't want the people I've already slept with to think they're so special.
Social Tip #24 - Parenting

My mom was always worried about getting my friends to like her, and I thought, why don't you worry about getting me to like you first, and we'll go from there.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Social Tip #23 - Weddings

The purpose of weddings is mostly just to say goodbye to old people. Like, now you know how my life turned out, Grandma, you can go now.
Social Tip #22 - Heaven

If there is a heaven, where dead people go, then I imagine it looks something like a landfill of corpses, the way the population growth is going.
Social Tip #21 - Kitty Abortions

My best friend woke me up one afternoon to tell me that she had to take her cat in to the veterinarian because it got knocked up and she had to get it an abortion.


Did you know they could do that? Do cats need abortions?

When I was a kid I had a kitten named Dixie and we got her de-clawed. Years later, the experts in Cat Fancy Magazine wrote that removing a cat's claws fucks them up. Thanks for the late warning. After the de-clawing surgery Dixie went crazy and bit everyone and we had to chase her around the house with oven mitts. For the next seventeen years she sat paranoid and angry behind a locked door and repeated the hideous activities of an indoor cat. She was the shame of our family.

Now cats are getting abortions? It is wrong to de-claw a cat, but it is okay to for my friend to get her cat aborted? Why are claws more precious than newborn kittens? And what about the claws on the aborted kitten fetuses, is no one concerned about those?

I don't want anyone thinking that I am some pro-lifer. I'm not at all. When it comes to humans, I'm not only pro-choice, I'm pro-abortion. Ending a human pregnancy is the only way. If you give birth to a human and keep it, then you have to raise it and save up for it to go to college. And if you give birth to a human and then put it up for adoption, it will spend the rest of its life hunting you down so that it can ask you if you will let it and its 19-year-old drug-addicted boyfriend stay at your place and if you if you will help them make a family tree for a class project.... cats don't do that. Cats are supposed to give birth to litters of kittens and then just give them away without incident, that's why they look so cute in boxes.

My friend went on to complain that her kitty's abortion cost more than a human abortion. Why? The cuter it is the more you have to pay someone to suck it into a vacuum? I don't mean to be crass, but kittens like yarn... can't you just take care of it with a knitting needle? I can't even afford birth control, how is my cat supposed to afford an abortion? Is this the type of thing you have to save up for on behalf of your cat, like a child's college fund? I don't want to have to pay for someone to go to college, that's why I don't keep any of my pregnancies. Like Ben Franklin says, a penny saved is a penny earned. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure..

... If you get your cat an abortion now, then you won't have to get its kittens an abortion later.

Ben Franklin, your platitudes are timeless!

What is most puzzling to me is that my friend is a card-carrying vegan and member of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). These people would sooner have me starve than eat a delicious McDonald's happy meal, but they are allowed to get an abortion? I looked into it and PETA says that they have no official position regarding abortion issues. I guess they don't care if you abort it as long as you don't eat it.

What PETA does care about is speaking for animals because they can't speak for their rights themselves. So, the big question: If a cat could speak up for its own rights, would it want to get an abortion?

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
(After extensively researching this issue on the net, I imagined that if a cat could speak up for its own rights it would go something like this.)