Saturday, October 31, 2009

Social Tip #159 - Check Yourself

Whenever I go to the public library, I am awed by all of the books. There are so many books and they all look really boring. Sometimes, out of excitement, I settle myself in a corner with huge stacks of them for closer inspection and they are. They are really boring.

I never check anything out, it is too incriminating. Any time a serial killer is caught he always has a steady library record.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Social Tip #158 - Make 'Em Laugh

When telling a joke, never assume people know you aren't a racist.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Social Tip #157 - Clear Up Confusion

I saw a basset hound taking a dump the other day, and I was like, is it?

Monday, October 19, 2009

Social Tip #156 - Fight For Your Rights

I met a serviceman before he was sent off on his second tour of Iraq. I asked him why he got into the Army, he said, "I would rather die for my country than stay here to work for minimum wage."

Apparently $7.25 an hour is worth dying for, it's just not worth working for.

The military should pull recruits directly out of the low-paying retail and restaurant workforce, nothing motivates prejudice more than failure to tip.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Social Tip #155 - Slide Into Home

If I were ever to become homeless, I wouldn't stay homeless.

Option One: Sneak into an old drafty mansion with lots of heavy drapery, pretend to be a ghost.

Option Two: The Peace Corps

Option Three: Hide under a child's bed, pretend to be a monster.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Social Tip #154 - Learn Quantum Theory (Part Two)

I don't understand why the Catholic Church isn't more progressive about science. According to the laws of quantum physics, atoms never actually touch. It's the perfect defense:

"I never even touched that little boy."

Social Tip #153 - Never Date a Comedian

I'm not looking for Steven Wright, I'm looking for Steven right now.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Social Tip #152 - Learn Quantum Theory (Part One)

Quantum Theory dictates that all atoms are actually in multiple locations at once, and only settle on one location while being observed.

When I think about what that actually means about reality, why bother working?

Its like I told my boss, leave me alone. I wouldn't be staring off into space if you weren't observing it. You created this reality.

Social Tip #151 - Seek And Ye Shall Find

All growing up I was told that teenage boys would try anything to sleep with me. And then, nobody tried anything to sleep with me.

My friend told me it was because I was intimidating.

I guess that's true. It is pretty intimidating to dress like a man and hide in the band room.

Social Tip #150 - Help The Help

I saw a three piece band performing in front of the farmer's market, behind them was a sign:
Band For Hire.

I pulled a truck around and hired them to do some yard work.

Now the lawn sounds awesome.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Social Tip #149 - Find Never-Ending Happiness

You want to know the best part about Olive Garden?

They don't MAKE you eat there.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Social Tip #148 - Don't Be Afraid To Ask Stupid Questions

How does a snake know whether it is giving birth or has an erection?

"Hey look, it's a trouser me."