Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Social Tip #212 - Preserve Your Memories

What's this? This thing is a souvenir I got to remember the time I stole this thing.


Sunday, March 28, 2010

Social Tip #211 - Attend To Your Deficits

When will people recognize my genius? When I finish reading my ADD book?

I doubt it. By then people will be saying, "Where has Myka been?" Because thirty years have passed. It's a long book.

Who writes a 500 page book for people with ADD? It says IN THE BOOK that many people with ADD have never finished a book. If they wanted us to get all the content, they should have published multiple books, and only put the relevant information in the first thirty pages of each.

To wit: I use books I'm reading to bookmark books I'm reading.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Social Tip #210 - Slip Through the Cracks

I love crackheads. Unlike the other street snobs (belligerent homeless, Hasidic Jews, etc.), crackheads are so oblivious to reality that they can be stared at freely.

Beware, though, the crackhead curse! Never look one in the eyes.

If you look a crackhead in the eyes, you're next.

Social Tip #209 - Avoid Calculating People

China is going to take over the world because the Chinese are all about accuracy.

Chinese people are so accurate, they're Japanese.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Social Tip #208 - Celebrate St. Patrick

Hey, people on the street, stop asking me if I'm all right. I'm better than all right, I'm drunk.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Social Tip #207 - Sniff and Scratch

I don't understand why cocaine enjoys so much popularity. I didn't even have fun the last three thousand times I did it.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Social Tip #206 - Mystery Solved!

Jesus was the preeminent player of the game. He'd all be like "Oh, I'm not into fucking."

Withholding sex is the ultimate neg.

Girls stood around fuming, "Seriously, a guy with a body like that? Come on, what are you, gay?"

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Social Tip #205 - Check Your Privacy Settings

I was wandering down the street, drunk. And this strange guy walks up to me and asks, "What are you looking for?"

At first I was like, "Woah, that's too personal, man." And then I realized he was selling drugs.

Even still.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Social Tip #204 - Learn Chinese - 学习中文 (Xuéxí zhōngwén)

When China finally takes over the world and refuses to speak to us in English, don't curse your bad luck, they gave us every fucking chance.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Social Tip #203 - Some Are Greater Than Their Whole

Every person is unique, and that's what makes you special. Unless you are twins.

Then you are special, but only for being a creepy, creepy twin.

Identical twins are freaks who make everybody uncomfortable, here is the math to prove it:

Where U is Uniqueness, each person's Uniqueness is valued at one,

U = 1

But Twins, T, are not people, they are creepy people that exist as one person, sharing one Uniqueness,

T = U

Each set of Twins is by definition made up of two partial people, let's call them "twindividuals" (twins a and b), where each twindividual apart from each other is t,

T = t(a) + t(b)
T = 2t

Thus, each t is worth half a Person, and is valued at half Uniqueness,

t(a) = T/2 = U/2 = 1/2

Twinness has its own individual Uniqueness, and bears the Uniqueness value of one. T(a), Twin A in the company of Twin B, bears the uniqueness of itself, and shares half the uniqueness of T with Twin B, T(b).

T(a) = t(a) + T(b)/2

T(b) = t(b) + T(a)/2

As such, their combined value is two unique people,

T(a) + T(b) = 2U

Therefore, they are worth four times as much together as they are apart. That's defies the laws of nature! It does explain their insistence on making everyone uncomfortable by hanging out together, I would defy the laws of nature if I could, too.

Twins = Freaks!

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Social Tip #202 - Don't Stand So

My impression of the guy at the bar who was standing too close to me:

"Are we talking or making out? You decide."