Thursday, December 31, 2009

Social Tip #181 - Blessed Be Those Guys

The only people who should believe in God are the people who have everything, or the people who have nothing, because those are the people who either appreciate him or need him the most. Everyone else has had to work alone for their meager scraps.Was God there when my electricity went out for only a couple days? What was the master plan then? Let there be light... after a little while.

But don't you remember when your footprints weren't there?

Yes. There are never any footprints, because I'm not rich enough to live near a beach. You haven't blessed me with a beach house. If God was handing out blessings, he could have blessed me more, is all I am saying.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Social Tip #180 - Mind Your Manners

If you're ever working in retail and a customer is bothering you, no matter what they do, just say "you're welcome." Then, if they want to complain about you, it will go down like this:

Customer: This employee is rude. She said, "You're welcome."

Boss: So?

Customer: So, I did not say thank you.

"You're welcome" is the new "fuck you." You're welcome.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Social Tip #179 - Who Knew, The Storm?

Someone told me that I completed my boyfriend like a turbulent storm to the calm ocean, where I am the storm. Storm. Does an ocean need a storm? People move toward oceans and away from storms. Shouldn't there maybe NOT be a storm?

I went to look into the benefits, maybe having a storm has benefits, and I typed "storm" and "benefits" in a search engine and it was all benefits being held for storm victims and survivors.

Um... storms bring out the charity in people? The ocean kills people, too. A storm is made out of the ocean. The ocean is a storm. It's all water. We're seventy-five percent water. Isn't each of us a miniature storm? Ocean.

“They sicken of the calm, who knew the storm.” - Dorothy Parker

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Social Tip #178 - ST ENDS

I have a friend who is generous to an annoying fault, spending money on me that neither of us can afford and making it impossible for me to return the favor without throwing myself into debt. It comes from a good-natured place, she really wants to be the best person. But to achieve that she has to make everyone else be not the best person.

Congratulations, you get to be the only friend in our friendship.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Social Tip #177 - Eating Fake Meat is in Pork Taste

Scientists are growing pork out of stem-cells now. Finally, the no-pig-eating rule is all making sense; God didn't want us to quit eating bacon, he just wanted us to stay away from the pink hunk in the petri dish. The race is on as scholars search ancient texts for answers to our newest religious dilemma: are stem-cells kosher?

Some people say they would never eat something that was grown with the same science that grew an ear on a rat's back. I say good. More stem-cell sausage for me. That sounds like the fountain of youth.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Social Tip #176 - Throw Away The Night

Last night a friend said that blacking out was the worst part of drinking.

Blacking out is the worst part of drinking? What about remembering you got raped? Blacking out is the best part of drinking.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Social Tip #175 - Beg, Barstow, or Steal

"That Kool-Aid is the only thing keeping the Ritalin working."

-Marc, the only mechanic in Barstow*, speaking of his son who had a permanent red stain around his mouth.

*Barstow is a freeway-exit town whose only commerce is accommodating the traffic that blows between the two most damned cities in the country, Los Angeles and Las Vegas. A few years ago I got stuck in Barstow on the way back from a Vegas trip that involved eating an entire rotisserie chicken in the shower with my friends while we hot-boxed the bathroom with pot smoke and steam. That should have been the most disgusting meal of my life, but a two day stint in Barstow provided the opportunity to have all my meals at the only restaurant in town, Mollie's Kountry Kitchen, a place where the waitress cleaned the tables by wiping them down with her bare hands.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Social Tip #174 - You Can Never Go Back

I went to visit my old elementary school, but when I got there it had changed its name from "Desert Shadows" to "Liberty" and I didn't recognize any of the structures.

I disregarded the no-trespassing sign and hopped a fence to investigate the changes. I had my speech all planned out in case I was approached by security. You can't arrest me, I'm a Liberty alumna, only in 1985 it was called Desert Shadows. I always thought "Desert Shadows" was a depressing name for an elementary, it's a constant reminder that everyone who lives here has to hide in dark crevices to prevent the sun's constant x-ray exposure. But it is still better than "Liberty." If anyone, it is those on the school board who should be apprehended for allowing a war-time name change to proselytize young children into blindly following the American creed. Five years old is too soon for liberty or death.

Later, I learned that my old school hadn't changed at all, I was just at the wrong school.

(actual Desert Shadows Elementary shadow)

Friday, November 27, 2009

Social Tip #173 - Fuck The System

Watching Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. Everyone on the show is beautiful and talentless, which is a mistake. The motivation is all wrong; if these people actually get better, they can't be on TV anymore.

The show should be entirely recast; it would be way more interesting to watch seven ugly people stand around an explain how they tricked enough people into sleeping with them to develop an addiction in the first place.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Social Tip #172 - Be Prepared

Before I get started, I want to point out where the exits are so that when the next terrorist act occurs, I won't have to trip over you on the way out.

-Me at any live performance

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Social Tip #171 - No Moleste

Did you hear about that drive-by molestation? It was really touch and go there.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Social Tip #170 - Give A Man A Fish

You can lead a horse to water, but once it's done drinking, it will still piss like a horse.

Social Tip #169 - Don't Ride The C Train

Statistics show that I'm more likely to throw myself in front of a train than die of lung cancer.

Riding the C Train = Gettin' Cancer

Friday, November 13, 2009

Social Tip #168 - Recognize Your Mistakes

Do you ever date someone and they look into your eyes like you are the answer to all of their problems and all you can think is, fuck, I need to stop dating my best friend's little brother?

*Photo by Derek

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Social Tip #167 - Be A Good Sport

I watched the World Series, I can't believe major league baseball players have to hi-5 the other team after they lose. They might as well make prosecutors high-5 the the player's defense attorneys after getting them off of rape charges.


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Social Tip #166 - Rinse And Repeat

"Having a vagina is a pre-existing condition."

-My friend Ruben, warning me about the public option's abortion policy

Social Tip #165 - Look At This

Patrick Swayze as a centaur.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Social Tip #164 - Stretch Yourself

Am I reaching for the stars?

No, I wouldn't say reaching... I'm stretching for the stars. It's more like a yawn. Don't wake me, I'm dreaming about reaching for the stars.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Social Tip #163 - Don't Space Out

A Barcelona-based company is moving forward with plans to open the world's first space hotel in 2012, guests will pay 4.4 million for for a three-night stay in orbit.

Finally, science has found a way for trash to shoot itself into outer space.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Social Tip #162 - Euphemize Me

I don't know if I'm late on this but, C.C.H Pounder? That's a woman and that's her name? She sounds like an NBA player's whole evening: the Burger Sandwich he orders and what he did to her at the end of the night.

Those C.C.H. Pounder charges won't stick.
Social Tip #161 - Dissolve The Phrase

Wheel of Fortune went to historic Boston this week. The talented lineup: Crazy-Eyed Tina who constantly requested the letter "Ahh," Lena the Snore, and abusive alcoholic (just a guess) Todd, who cursed in the left corner of the screen while Tina was winning. When asked to introduce his family, Todd said, "This is my gorgeous wife, Kathy."

Nice try. If a woman is gorgeous, you don't need to announce it. And how demeaning.

I doubt his wife introduces him with, "This is my handsome husband, Todd."

Todd was hot.

Social Tip #160 - Write What You Know

That's what the experts say.

Unfortunately, all I know is to write what I know.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Social Tip #159 - Check Yourself

Whenever I go to the public library, I am awed by all of the books. There are so many books and they all look really boring. Sometimes, out of excitement, I settle myself in a corner with huge stacks of them for closer inspection and they are. They are really boring.

I never check anything out, it is too incriminating. Any time a serial killer is caught he always has a steady library record.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Social Tip #158 - Make 'Em Laugh

When telling a joke, never assume people know you aren't a racist.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Social Tip #157 - Clear Up Confusion

I saw a basset hound taking a dump the other day, and I was like, is it?

Monday, October 19, 2009

Social Tip #156 - Fight For Your Rights

I met a serviceman before he was sent off on his second tour of Iraq. I asked him why he got into the Army, he said, "I would rather die for my country than stay here to work for minimum wage."

Apparently $7.25 an hour is worth dying for, it's just not worth working for.

The military should pull recruits directly out of the low-paying retail and restaurant workforce, nothing motivates prejudice more than failure to tip.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Social Tip #155 - Slide Into Home

If I were ever to become homeless, I wouldn't stay homeless.

Option One: Sneak into an old drafty mansion with lots of heavy drapery, pretend to be a ghost.

Option Two: The Peace Corps

Option Three: Hide under a child's bed, pretend to be a monster.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Social Tip #154 - Learn Quantum Theory (Part Two)

I don't understand why the Catholic Church isn't more progressive about science. According to the laws of quantum physics, atoms never actually touch. It's the perfect defense:

"I never even touched that little boy."

Social Tip #153 - Never Date a Comedian

I'm not looking for Steven Wright, I'm looking for Steven right now.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Social Tip #152 - Learn Quantum Theory (Part One)

Quantum Theory dictates that all atoms are actually in multiple locations at once, and only settle on one location while being observed.

When I think about what that actually means about reality, why bother working?

Its like I told my boss, leave me alone. I wouldn't be staring off into space if you weren't observing it. You created this reality.

Social Tip #151 - Seek And Ye Shall Find

All growing up I was told that teenage boys would try anything to sleep with me. And then, nobody tried anything to sleep with me.

My friend told me it was because I was intimidating.

I guess that's true. It is pretty intimidating to dress like a man and hide in the band room.

Social Tip #150 - Help The Help

I saw a three piece band performing in front of the farmer's market, behind them was a sign:
Band For Hire.

I pulled a truck around and hired them to do some yard work.

Now the lawn sounds awesome.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Social Tip #149 - Find Never-Ending Happiness

You want to know the best part about Olive Garden?

They don't MAKE you eat there.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Social Tip #148 - Don't Be Afraid To Ask Stupid Questions

How does a snake know whether it is giving birth or has an erection?

"Hey look, it's a trouser me."

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Social Tip #147 - Keep Your Perspective

They say life is precious. Why? Why is it precious? Why is it so rare? It certainly doesn’t feel rare right now. As long as I've known it, life has never been anything but abundant.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Social Tip #146 - Don't Skimp On The Soul Soap

I used to date a guy who broke up with me to move to Israel and convert to orthodox Judaism. I got dumped for God.

I tried to stay friends with him, but anytime we would begin to have some fun he would complain about all of the extra hours of soul cleansing he was going to have to do before going to heaven. Easy there on the soul cleansing, buddy, all we did was say the word "retard" and do impressions of a camera salesman with an accent.

I for one, don't mind the soul cleaning process, I find it enjoyable. Some people like a good bath. And others, choose not to get dirty in the first place.

Social Tip #145 - Exude Proper Breeding

I saw a sign posted for a lost black and white kitten that answered to the name “Panda.” Why would someone name one animal after another animal? Yeah, it kind of looked like a panda, but it still looked more like a cat. They should have named him Cat.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Social Tip #144 - Get Out Of My Space

Now that Facebook has rendered it obsolete, I am disgusted by Myspace. The top friends, the sparkly sticker comments, the shitty bands. Whenever I go back to check up on my old Myspace account, I feel like I am being molested by a former version of myself.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Social Tip #143 - Hide Your Shame

Whenever I see someone praying in public, I'm always embarrassed for them, like they've wet their pants. I always look to see if someone else saw it and then make faces as if to say, "I can't believe they just did that! Why haven't they learned to make it to the bathroom, don't they know they're way behind?"

Really, I don't care if you have never been potty-trained or if you follow rules written by men thousands of years ago who claimed they spoke to a god - I'm sure you have good reasons to be a misfit - but, please, have the decency to hide your shame. Keep your freaky shit in the closet, weirdos.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Social Tip #142 - Break Out Of Your Shell

One of the most puzzling things about New York City is that its magnitude seduces the egos of the most beautiful people in the world, and yet also allows the ugliest messes to feel anonymous enough to be seen in public. I had never seen so much beauty and horror before moving here. Sometimes, when I am walking around the city, I see people who could only be described by aborted Shel Silverstein poems like "The Sideways Man" or "The Unfortunate Face Mashing of Chester Chett."

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Social Tip #141 - Know When To Run

If you are not the gambling type, never buy your food from a grocery store where the most highly advertised items are lottery tickets.

Social Tip #140 - Say Word

People who use "sophisticated" more than once in a sentence, never are. (SEE: Bone Thugs-n-Harmony)

Monday, September 14, 2009

Social Tip #139 - Make Your Peace

As recently evidenced by a friend's volleyball team's tank top, it is clear that most people don't know the difference between a peace sign and the Mercedes logo. Nice going, Germany, that's two symbols of peace you've ruined in a century.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Social Tip #138 - Invent Yourself

It is easy to criticize how stupid network programming is, but, on the whole, I am thoroughly impressed with what our species has achieved . If every human in all of existence had been me, we would have never created cameras or televisions. We wouldn't even have houses to watch them in, I could never build a house. I can't even buy a house. I can't even watch the show House, because I can't afford TV. Mykas would have spent all of human history figuring out the canoe, at best. There would have been no Renaissance, we wouldn't even get to the Dark Ages, I don't know how to make a welding machine. I would have needed a welding machine welding machine, and I wouldn't even have been able to come up with that.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Social Tip #137 - Hit Rock Bottom

I bought a 12-step book that claimed an addict had to hit rock bottom before finding the strength to quit. That doesn't apply to me; there is no rock bottom for a weed smoker. The lowest I ever got was when I bought a 12-step book because I was too high to know what I was buying. And another time when I tried to smoke a candle wick.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Social Tip #136 - Draw Conclusions

I tried to kill myself with a pen, but all that happened was I had to walk around with a bunch of lines on my wrist. It's not mightier.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Social Tip #135 - Maintain Your Personal Space

Watching "Cosmos." I love how Carl Sagan describes the solar system as a family; such a comforting image despite it being a cold and massive darkness that is beyond everyday comprehension. How did he know that that was how I viewed my family?

Social Tip #134 - Buy Any Other Name

Some people believe that your name influences the outcome of your life. So, if your name is "Armstrong," you will either be the first person on the moon, or you will lose a testicle.

And somebody has already been to the moon.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Social Tip #133 - Sharpen Your Mind

I know someone who fucked a girl he referred to as "Pencil Face." How can you fuck someone you think that way about? When he was in bed with her, was he like, "Oh, yes! Pencil Face!" Or did he just close his eyes and think, "Oh, yes! Eraser Face!"?

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Social Tip #132 - Don't Overstay Your Welcome

Old goths - - seriously? You're still doing that? Don't you think its time to cut your hair and not intimidate the wait staff at Applebees?