Thursday, December 31, 2009

Social Tip #181 - Blessed Be Those Guys

The only people who should believe in God are the people who have everything, or the people who have nothing, because those are the people who either appreciate him or need him the most. Everyone else has had to work alone for their meager scraps.Was God there when my electricity went out for only a couple days? What was the master plan then? Let there be light... after a little while.

But don't you remember when your footprints weren't there?

Yes. There are never any footprints, because I'm not rich enough to live near a beach. You haven't blessed me with a beach house. If God was handing out blessings, he could have blessed me more, is all I am saying.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Social Tip #180 - Mind Your Manners

If you're ever working in retail and a customer is bothering you, no matter what they do, just say "you're welcome." Then, if they want to complain about you, it will go down like this:

Customer: This employee is rude. She said, "You're welcome."

Boss: So?

Customer: So, I did not say thank you.

"You're welcome" is the new "fuck you." You're welcome.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Social Tip #179 - Who Knew, The Storm?

Someone told me that I completed my boyfriend like a turbulent storm to the calm ocean, where I am the storm. Storm. Does an ocean need a storm? People move toward oceans and away from storms. Shouldn't there maybe NOT be a storm?

I went to look into the benefits, maybe having a storm has benefits, and I typed "storm" and "benefits" in a search engine and it was all benefits being held for storm victims and survivors.

Um... storms bring out the charity in people? The ocean kills people, too. A storm is made out of the ocean. The ocean is a storm. It's all water. We're seventy-five percent water. Isn't each of us a miniature storm? Ocean.

“They sicken of the calm, who knew the storm.” - Dorothy Parker

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Social Tip #178 - ST ENDS

I have a friend who is generous to an annoying fault, spending money on me that neither of us can afford and making it impossible for me to return the favor without throwing myself into debt. It comes from a good-natured place, she really wants to be the best person. But to achieve that she has to make everyone else be not the best person.

Congratulations, you get to be the only friend in our friendship.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Social Tip #177 - Eating Fake Meat is in Pork Taste

Scientists are growing pork out of stem-cells now. Finally, the no-pig-eating rule is all making sense; God didn't want us to quit eating bacon, he just wanted us to stay away from the pink hunk in the petri dish. The race is on as scholars search ancient texts for answers to our newest religious dilemma: are stem-cells kosher?

Some people say they would never eat something that was grown with the same science that grew an ear on a rat's back. I say good. More stem-cell sausage for me. That sounds like the fountain of youth.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Social Tip #176 - Throw Away The Night

Last night a friend said that blacking out was the worst part of drinking.

Blacking out is the worst part of drinking? What about remembering you got raped? Blacking out is the best part of drinking.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Social Tip #175 - Beg, Barstow, or Steal

"That Kool-Aid is the only thing keeping the Ritalin working."

-Marc, the only mechanic in Barstow*, speaking of his son who had a permanent red stain around his mouth.

*Barstow is a freeway-exit town whose only commerce is accommodating the traffic that blows between the two most damned cities in the country, Los Angeles and Las Vegas. A few years ago I got stuck in Barstow on the way back from a Vegas trip that involved eating an entire rotisserie chicken in the shower with my friends while we hot-boxed the bathroom with pot smoke and steam. That should have been the most disgusting meal of my life, but a two day stint in Barstow provided the opportunity to have all my meals at the only restaurant in town, Mollie's Kountry Kitchen, a place where the waitress cleaned the tables by wiping them down with her bare hands.