Monday, December 13, 2010

Social Tip #241 - Don't Throw the Baby Out With the Bathwater

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, let the bathwater drain and throw the baby out with the garbage.

Monday, December 06, 2010

Social Tip #240 - Ask A Stupid Question

Me: I love you, do you still love me?

Boyfriend: I guess.

Me: Well, your guess is as good as mine.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Social Tip #239 - Ride With the Heaven's Devils

Normally when I see people riding bicycles, I'm like, "What are you, from the past? Or Chinese?"

That is, unless, Hasidic Jews are riding them. They're so far back in the past they make bikes look futuristic. Are they allowed to use something that advanced?

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Social Tip #238 - Run Away

I always keep my shoelaces tied, I don't like to talk to old people.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Social Tip #237 - No Yourself

I've spent my whole life wondering, "Who am I?"

And now I know. I am the person who constantly wonders who they are.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Social Tip #236 - Target Your Consumer

The Humane Society set up an Adopt-a-Pet truck right next to the hospital...

Lost your mom? Here's a cat.

Fill that hole with something soft. For at least twelve years or so.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Social Tip #235 - Anticreate

I don't want children, but if I ever did, I would adopt. I don't want a baby that looks like me, I want one that is a product of people so attractive that they had to fuck no matter what.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Social Tip #234 - Quit From Home

I've had a lot of jobs and they always end the same way. They always end with me deciding I don’t want to work at a place anymore and then just stop showing up. I never quit. Why should I bother to go in to quit? I don’t work there anymore.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Social Tip #233 - Hooked On A Feline

Do you ever hear something and you know immediately that it's true?

I found out recently that there's a parasite that you get from cats, and the parasite makes your brain like cats more. You think you're in control of your brain, you're not. The parasites are in your brain and are like, "I love cats." And I know that that's true because anytime there's a cat nearby I just want to kiss it immediately. I just want to have mouth to mouth contact with its cute parasitic face. I just want to make out with it, and put my mouth around its head and just hold it there, they're so cute. That's the parasites, right? I'm not just some weird cat pervert.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Social Tip #232 - Bite Me

I went to a dog friendly picnic this weekend and while petting someone's dachshund I made the mistake of saying, "Wow, this dog is so soft." Immediately another dog owner pushed the dachshund away and shoved her own dog in front of me saying, "My dog is soft! Pet my dog! She's so soft, isn't she?"

Oh, did I say that someone else's dog was soft? I meant that I liked that other dog's owner better.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Social Tip #231 - Hang Meow To Dry

I walked through an ASPCA pet adoption truck today because misery loves company. It was full of used cats and dogs, all of them came with a sob story.
“Meet Pickles! Pickles is a three year old tabby who has been fed only pickle juice and screams in her sleep. Pickles is waiting for the right family to show her what love is."
“Here lies Casserole (2010-2010)! Casserole died while stuck under the commercial restaurant oven he was born in. Casserole has been tested positive for worms, feline HIV, and HIV."
It was like a feral haunted house.
They might have been autopsies

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Social Tip # 230 - If You Can't Say Anything Nice, Say Something (with) Mean(ing)

A serious painter just told me that "ambiguity is fun." What is that supposed to mean?

Am I having fun yet?

Monday, August 09, 2010

Social Tip #229 - Youth In Hot Pants

They are making designer diapers. Faux denim hot pants for your baby to piss and shit into. That's best case scenario. If you put those diapers on your baby and it doesn't piss and shit into them,you have an even bigger problem than being a rich douche bag.

What are you doing spending all of your money on your baby like that? What do you think it is, a dog? What's next, you're going to let it sleep in bed with you? Feed it people food? When it gets sick will you take it to the humane society to be euthanized? No, you won't. The humane society is for animals, not humans. Only our pets receive that level of dignity in death. When people refer to being left to die like a dog, I assume they are bragging that they were flown to Portland and administered opiates to ease the pain.

And I don't get the whole hot pants aspect of them. Who are you trying to get to fuck your baby? What park are you taking your baby to, Port Authority?

I'm waiting for the hot pants you can piss and shit into for adults. I'm not talking about adult diapers like depends, these hot pants won't be for people who need them, they will be for people who want them. Like Lindsay Lohan.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Social Tip #228 - Go Up on the Governor

There are a million signs posted along the West Side Highway for the heliport. "This way to the Heliport... Heliport in two lefts.... Heliport next left.... Heliport." They don't need that many signs. There aren't a lot of new faces at the heliport, people who use and own helicopters are repeat visitors. And they don't drive themselves, they can afford drivers who know where they're going and ride in limos with GPS machines.

No one is like, "I just bought a helicopter, now where in the hell do I land this thing?"

My problem isn't that the signs are a big "fuck you" to the people who have to look at them while stuck in traffic. Fuck the people in traffic, at least they have cars. I have to take the G-train and suffer constant unannounced disruptions. The last time I rode the G-train it stopped at a sliding-scale gyno and force-pap smeared me. No signs were posted. They must have used up all the signage on the heliport.

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Yankee Oscar Uniform

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Social Tip #227 - Just Sane, No

I am a really nervous person. I've been biting my nails for as long as I can remember. I got a stomach ulcer when I was nine.

I would try medication, but the thought of becoming addicted to anti-anxiety pills freaks me out.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Social Tip #226 - World War W-2

It is said that if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life. I know that's true, because I love to bomb at job interviews.

If I had a nickel for every job interview I bombed, I wouldn't need a job.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Social Tip #225 - Join The Mile Below Club

In high school my gay friend Adam's dad was an executive at American Airlines and had logo-laden model planes all around his office. One day Adam broke the wings off one and taught me and my friend Heather how to give a blow job.
"Here comes the airplane!"

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Social Tip #224 - Get Got

After getting off stage at a stand up show a guy came up to me and said, "Hey, I wanted you to know that I get you. Even though the rest of the audience didn't really get you, I got you."

You don't get me. If you got me, you would know that I need everybody to get me and you wouldn't have said that to me. You don't fucking get me. Fuck you, my one fan, you don't get me.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Social Tip #223 - Use Your Words

"Same diff."

Remember same diff? What did that mean?

"I was wrong."

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Social Tip #222 - Clear the Smoke Screen

I hate that weed is called a "gateway drug."

Weed isn't a gateway to anything. It isn't a gateway to other drugs, it isn't a gateway to a career, it isn't a gateway to washing your clothes.

Weed isn't a gateway to anything, except maybe thinking about getting more weed, the only side effect of which is stoner stress.

*stoner stress (n) - A weed smoker's anxiety that his drug dealer will arrive before he has had a chance to hit the ATM.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Social Tip #221 - Sing Empty Nursery Rhymes

First comes love,
then comes marriage,
then comes the baby in the baby miscarriage.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Social Tip #220 - Interview With A Temp-Hire

I am not good at job interviews, but I don't think I should be. I am not interviewing to be an interviewee. One lady asked me what my five year plan was. I don't have a five year plan. I'm not totally straight with what I'm going to eat for lunch. I winged it and said, "I guess my five year plan will start with me leaving this interview and going to eat a bowl of soup. Don't worry, it won't be my first soup. I have a lot of soup experience. Once I get the job I'm just going to be walking your dogs, right? You won't be asking me questions that make me feel bad about my life decisions every time I come into work, right?"

If I had a real five year plan, I would have started it five years ago.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Social Tip #219 - Won't You KGB My Neighbor?

So I'm going up the stairs and my angry Russian neighbor lunges out and screams "You walk like a pedophile!"

And I'm like, "What the fuck does that mean?"

I went around asking anyone who might know Russian about it, "Walking like a pedophile, is that like a thing you say? Does it mean anything?"

Because, to me, I would think a pedophile walks really quietly to not get caught.

It turned out nobody had ever heard of the phrase, so all I can think is that maybe my angry neighbor is angry because he was molested by somoene who wore high-heeled boots.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Social Tip #218 - Cut Deeply

I discovered that even though my family is Jewish, we also have a coat of arms.

It features the double-edged sword.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Social Tip #217 - Become a Cliche

Last night someone asked me "How's it going?"

And I responded, "Not so bad it hurts, not so good it pays."

And there it was: an instant classic.

No one ever wonders where these lines come from, but they come from me. They come from people like me. And I'm worried that this great thing I said will be lost to the masses so, for the record, I said it first.

I know it is petty to lay claim like this, but I am petty. I have to be, I don't have anything. I don't even have friends that I like. Credit is all I am going to get.

The only other alternative I have is using the line in real life and then quoting myself afterward:

"Not so bad it hurts, not so good it pays. -- Myka Fox"

It is no worse than what Twitter is -- a copyright center for egomaniacs.

Follow me:

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Social Tip #216 - Taste the Truth

Remember the tongue map?

Turns out, it was all a lie! Every part of your tongue can taste every taste.

Students have been testing the tongue map as a science project for generations, if we hadn't all been grade mongers or idiots that theory could have been disproved decades ago.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Social Tip #215 - Divide and Conquer

I wouldn't say I'm a fan of most abortions, but I am partial to birth abortions.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Social Tip #214 - Hang In There, Baby

I met someone who worked at a suicide hotline. I said that sounded like the worst job in the world, and that the people who work at suicide hotlines probably need to talk to somebody as much as the people who call in. She told me most people who volunteer at suicide hotlines have actually attempted suicide themselves.

That makes sense. Those who can't do, teach.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Social Tip #213 - Find Shlomo

It depresses me to see twins and triplets dressed up the same, and today I saw over one hundred Hasidic Jews in the park. It's wrong to say that any one race looks alike, but they are doing it on purpose.

It's like a practical joke by the Jews on everyone else, originally, and now on themselves.

"Hey uh, lets all freak everyone out and wear the same thing tomorrow. And everyday. Forever. It'll be a hoot."

Their world is a Hasidic Where's Waldo.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Social Tip #212 - Preserve Your Memories

What's this? This thing is a souvenir I got to remember the time I stole this thing.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Social Tip #211 - Attend To Your Deficits

When will people recognize my genius? When I finish reading my ADD book?

I doubt it. By then people will be saying, "Where has Myka been?" Because thirty years have passed. It's a long book.

Who writes a 500 page book for people with ADD? It says IN THE BOOK that many people with ADD have never finished a book. If they wanted us to get all the content, they should have published multiple books, and only put the relevant information in the first thirty pages of each.

To wit: I use books I'm reading to bookmark books I'm reading.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Social Tip #210 - Slip Through the Cracks

I love crackheads. Unlike the other street snobs (belligerent homeless, Hasidic Jews, etc.), crackheads are so oblivious to reality that they can be stared at freely.

Beware, though, the crackhead curse! Never look one in the eyes.

If you look a crackhead in the eyes, you're next.

Social Tip #209 - Avoid Calculating People

China is going to take over the world because the Chinese are all about accuracy.

Chinese people are so accurate, they're Japanese.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Social Tip #208 - Celebrate St. Patrick

Hey, people on the street, stop asking me if I'm all right. I'm better than all right, I'm drunk.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Social Tip #207 - Sniff and Scratch

I don't understand why cocaine enjoys so much popularity. I didn't even have fun the last three thousand times I did it.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Social Tip #206 - Mystery Solved!

Jesus was the preeminent player of the game. He'd all be like "Oh, I'm not into fucking."

Withholding sex is the ultimate neg.

Girls stood around fuming, "Seriously, a guy with a body like that? Come on, what are you, gay?"

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Social Tip #205 - Check Your Privacy Settings

I was wandering down the street, drunk. And this strange guy walks up to me and asks, "What are you looking for?"

At first I was like, "Woah, that's too personal, man." And then I realized he was selling drugs.

Even still.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Social Tip #204 - Learn Chinese - 学习中文 (Xuéxí zhōngwén)

When China finally takes over the world and refuses to speak to us in English, don't curse your bad luck, they gave us every fucking chance.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Social Tip #203 - Some Are Greater Than Their Whole

Every person is unique, and that's what makes you special. Unless you are twins.

Then you are special, but only for being a creepy, creepy twin.

Identical twins are freaks who make everybody uncomfortable, here is the math to prove it:

Where U is Uniqueness, each person's Uniqueness is valued at one,

U = 1

But Twins, T, are not people, they are creepy people that exist as one person, sharing one Uniqueness,

T = U

Each set of Twins is by definition made up of two partial people, let's call them "twindividuals" (twins a and b), where each twindividual apart from each other is t,

T = t(a) + t(b)
T = 2t

Thus, each t is worth half a Person, and is valued at half Uniqueness,

t(a) = T/2 = U/2 = 1/2

Twinness has its own individual Uniqueness, and bears the Uniqueness value of one. T(a), Twin A in the company of Twin B, bears the uniqueness of itself, and shares half the uniqueness of T with Twin B, T(b).

T(a) = t(a) + T(b)/2

T(b) = t(b) + T(a)/2

As such, their combined value is two unique people,

T(a) + T(b) = 2U

Therefore, they are worth four times as much together as they are apart. That's defies the laws of nature! It does explain their insistence on making everyone uncomfortable by hanging out together, I would defy the laws of nature if I could, too.

Twins = Freaks!

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Social Tip #202 - Don't Stand So

My impression of the guy at the bar who was standing too close to me:

"Are we talking or making out? You decide."

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Social Tip #201 - Hurry Up and Die

If you have the time to complain that you are in a rush, you are not in a real rush. A gazelle doesn't check its watch when it is being chased by a lion.

When a gazelle is running late, it could die.

A near death experience. That's a rush.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Social Tip #200 - It's Pathetic To Be The King

Royal titles precede the name, such as King Erick or Prince Charles. So who the fuck are Eric King or Charles Prince? Did you just make up a title and stick it on the end of your name and hope we wouldn't know? We know you're not a real king.

(Doctor Doctor, give me the news; I gotta bad case of thinking your name is stupid.)

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Social Tip #199 - Talk To The Hand

Me: Sometimes I feel like you blame me for things.

Hand: It's your fault that you feel that way.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Social Tip #198 - An Apple a Day Keeps The Garden Away

The original sin was eating an apple from the tree of knowledge, so why are we eating apples?

God: Listen, guys, I don't want to be the prick here, but you're forcing me to banish you.

Adam: Whatever. So what about this knowledge?

God: Rules, mostly. Don't eat any shellfish.

Eve: Okay... no shellfish... and no apples. Got it.

God: Oh no, you can still totally eat apples. Jesus, pay attention.

God is more like a dick manager at The Olive Garden than the Garden of Eden.

It's shit like this that's got people confused enough to eat disgusting, disgusting pig's feet. It is specifically said not to eat anything with cloven hooves, but the people down here are like, "So we can chop off the hooves and then eat the animal and the hooves?"

The REAL original sin? There shouldn't have been any apples to begin with.

Monday, February 08, 2010

Social Tip #197 - Fuck You, Cookie

I got two fortunes in my fortune cookie. The first one read: Follow your sense of humor, it will never lead you astray. The second read: Just kidding.

Fuck you, cookie.

Friday, February 05, 2010

Social Tip #196 - Go Find Yourself

I hate it when people tell me I need to "find myself."

Where am I supposed to be? I'm right here.

How about this, I'm leaving. Now it's your turn to find me. Better yet, why don't you get lost?

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Social Tip #195 - World Of The Wars

Why are we numbering our World Wars? Was "The Nazi War" too hard to remember? What about "The Hogan's Heroes War"? Will there be so many giant wars that we'll need to number them to keep track? It's like a cynical Dewey Decimal system for a library of barbarism.

There were wars that covered the globe long before there were Germans to start picking fights, and since the first two were so sequenced, they have remained the only two. Two!

That's not even enough to begin a subset in an outline.
There have been less world wars than there have been Die Hards.
(Die Commie Fascists!)

World War One was originally called The "Great" War. The "Yeah, I know a bunch of people died and lives were ruined, but at least what we did was so great that it will never be topped" War. Kind of optimistic, really.

And it wasn't topped; it was equaled. Worse, it was sequeled. So don't forget to use your Roman numerals. WW with an I. I. Me. It's all about the I.
"I was part the greatest war. I did it. Me."

"Oh yeah? Ever heard of WWII? My war was so big, I am in there twice."
Maybe there haven't been any new World War franchises because they don't want to be forced to include "V" in the equation. It looks too much like a "U." With narcissists at the helm, U will never be included.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Social Tip #194 - Give Peace A Fat Chance

I saw a fat kid on a scooter. I hate children; they're the only creatures that can cry and be on wheels at the same time.

Social Tip #193 - The More You No

The motto for the NY state lottery is "Hey, you never know." But I always know, after the lottery has been drawn and I'm a big loser. That's something I've known the whole time.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Social Tip #192 - Leggo My Legacy

Don't bother trying to leave a legacy. Dinosaurs were here for a 165 million years and all it is ever said they did was roam the earth.

That's not all they did, it's just all they do now.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Social Tip # 191 - Let Me Know Her Better

"Hold the fucking door, I just had leg surgery!"

A woman jumped through the closing doors of the F train, no limping, no crutches, and continued what appeared to be an ongoing phone conversation despite being underground.

"...On the F train. The fucking F train... (notices stroller across from her) ...Oh, I'm sorry, you have a child....Who am I with? My pussy, my ass, my nose, and my brother. Oh wait, and my mouth. All my holes."

I execute a sideways stare to investigate the new love of my life. She is a twenty-something woman in fatigues and fishnets, and while I am trying not to look at her, she is looking around at everyone else and we make eye contact. If she sensed my love/fear, she was not changed by it.

"I don't got a dick, you got a dick. And that shit ain't clean."

I don't believe in God, but I said a little prayer just in case. Please let this woman be going where I'm going. Let me know her better.

"That's not red wine, there's blood on my lip from fighting with my dog. You have nice teeth, ya bitch!"

Then she did a little dance and jumped out the train doors as they were closing at the next stop.

If I never see her again, God doesn't exist.