Thursday, February 25, 2010

Social Tip #201 - Hurry Up and Die

If you have the time to complain that you are in a rush, you are not in a real rush. A gazelle doesn't check its watch when it is being chased by a lion.

When a gazelle is running late, it could die.

A near death experience. That's a rush.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Social Tip #200 - It's Pathetic To Be The King

Royal titles precede the name, such as King Erick or Prince Charles. So who the fuck are Eric King or Charles Prince? Did you just make up a title and stick it on the end of your name and hope we wouldn't know? We know you're not a real king.

(Doctor Doctor, give me the news; I gotta bad case of thinking your name is stupid.)

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Social Tip #199 - Talk To The Hand

Me: Sometimes I feel like you blame me for things.

Hand: It's your fault that you feel that way.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Social Tip #198 - An Apple a Day Keeps The Garden Away

The original sin was eating an apple from the tree of knowledge, so why are we eating apples?

God: Listen, guys, I don't want to be the prick here, but you're forcing me to banish you.

Adam: Whatever. So what about this knowledge?

God: Rules, mostly. Don't eat any shellfish.

Eve: Okay... no shellfish... and no apples. Got it.

God: Oh no, you can still totally eat apples. Jesus, pay attention.

God is more like a dick manager at The Olive Garden than the Garden of Eden.

It's shit like this that's got people confused enough to eat disgusting, disgusting pig's feet. It is specifically said not to eat anything with cloven hooves, but the people down here are like, "So we can chop off the hooves and then eat the animal and the hooves?"

The REAL original sin? There shouldn't have been any apples to begin with.

Monday, February 08, 2010

Social Tip #197 - Fuck You, Cookie

I got two fortunes in my fortune cookie. The first one read: Follow your sense of humor, it will never lead you astray. The second read: Just kidding.

Fuck you, cookie.

Friday, February 05, 2010

Social Tip #196 - Go Find Yourself

I hate it when people tell me I need to "find myself."

Where am I supposed to be? I'm right here.

How about this, I'm leaving. Now it's your turn to find me. Better yet, why don't you get lost?

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Social Tip #195 - World Of The Wars

Why are we numbering our World Wars? Was "The Nazi War" too hard to remember? What about "The Hogan's Heroes War"? Will there be so many giant wars that we'll need to number them to keep track? It's like a cynical Dewey Decimal system for a library of barbarism.

There were wars that covered the globe long before there were Germans to start picking fights, and since the first two were so sequenced, they have remained the only two. Two!

That's not even enough to begin a subset in an outline.
There have been less world wars than there have been Die Hards.
(Die Commie Fascists!)

World War One was originally called The "Great" War. The "Yeah, I know a bunch of people died and lives were ruined, but at least what we did was so great that it will never be topped" War. Kind of optimistic, really.

And it wasn't topped; it was equaled. Worse, it was sequeled. So don't forget to use your Roman numerals. WW with an I. I. Me. It's all about the I.
"I was part the greatest war. I did it. Me."

"Oh yeah? Ever heard of WWII? My war was so big, I am in there twice."
Maybe there haven't been any new World War franchises because they don't want to be forced to include "V" in the equation. It looks too much like a "U." With narcissists at the helm, U will never be included.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Social Tip #194 - Give Peace A Fat Chance

I saw a fat kid on a scooter. I hate children; they're the only creatures that can cry and be on wheels at the same time.

Social Tip #193 - The More You No

The motto for the NY state lottery is "Hey, you never know." But I always know, after the lottery has been drawn and I'm a big loser. That's something I've known the whole time.