Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Social Tip #33 - Living with Jews

I wrote a few posts back about living with an orthodox Jew. Here is an old diary entry I found that can illuminate his character in more detail:

(Originally written 4/22/06)

Oh. My. God. My creepy roommate. His name is Jerry. He is a balding, pudgy, sworn to dorkdom, totally in love with me, super Jew. He stares at my breasts unapologetically when he talks to me.

Jerry teaches physics at NYU, those poor students. I had a biology teacher in high school, Mr. Spaulding, who Sequester girls in his back office for constructive criticism while massaging their hand and staring at their tits. I actually had a couple teachers like that, but Mr. Spaulding was the only one that got caught. One day he didn't show up to school and never came back. I came to learn that he tried to molest his adopted daughter and she bit his thumb off in self defense. Could Jerry become this guy?

Jerry told me he was going out of town for the night, a big bachelor party in Atlantic City. He poeticised about eating steaks, which lead to bragging about how he was a professional chef in the spare time he found when he was not professing or researching. Stop trying to impress me with your hobbies, it won't make me sleep with you.

He offered me a massage (for my back, not my hand like Mr. Spaulding did, but still), and, right or wrong, I never turn down a massage. Wrong. He wasn't missing any thumbs, but it still violated my soul all the way down to its dark dead core. I will turn the massage down next time.

Later that night I invited friends over so that we could rummage through his room to see what incriminating shit we could find. I hadn't been in there, just smelled it from the outside.

I expected it to take a while searching in his room to find something disgusting, but I found something in the first five seconds. Right in front of his couch, next to the lotion and tissues (ew), was a 2 liter bottle of Coke. Only. The Coke didn't look like coke. It looked like piss. I looked closely but could not be certain. Maybe a bit too orangey. And was there some foam on top? Is piss foamy?

I had to be sure. My best friend (thanks to that moment), Jaquelyn, volunteered to open the bottle and smell. Me and my uber-gay Broadway boyfriend, Bradly, shrieked and gagged wihle she put her nose right in there and took a whiff. And then another whiff. She held her nose in it for a while.

Well? She said she couldn't tell. We needed a second opinion. I ran out to the kitchen to barf, but, of course, I couldn't. Bradly leaned down to smell the fluid, and the second he got his nose near the opening of the bottle he jumped away and screamed "It is! It is!"

Jerry keeps a 2-liter bottle of piss in his room. Wow. I want to think it is because it is such a pain in the ass to go to the bathroom in the hallway, but man. Piss in the shower like a decent person. Don't live a life where you return after a long weekend to a bottle of your own waste.

Also in Jerry's room were about thirty ballroom dancing trophies.


Anonymous said...

Oh my god, I really hope you exaggerated that story to its fullest extent. Actually, I hope you made up the whole thing.

Myka Fox said...

Sorry, the contents of this story are entirely true.

1. My high school teacher was arrested for molesting his adopted daughter..... TRUE!

2. My roommate peed in a 2 liter bottle of coke because our the toilet of our tenement apartment was in the outside hallway.... TRUE!

3. My roommate was a "professional" ballroom dancer at one point in his life before devoting his life to segregating himself from others by way of religion.... TRUE!

Anonymous said...

Truly, truly magical.

Knute123 said...

I remember this story from days of old. It withstands the test of time because I find it just as funny the second time around.

Myka Fox said...

I still can't believe he just left a bottle of pee sitting out in his room like that. That is just how he lives, with a 2 liter of his own urine blocking his view of the TV.

He ended up having an arranged marriage. She should have lived with him first.

skizzbot said...

It's a good thing you've never seen my shoeboxes full of.. well... nevermind.....

Eddie said...

"I ran out to the kitchen to barf, but, of course, I couldn't."

Bulimia FAIL!!

Myka Fox said...


You reminded me of an interesting fact- among my old social circle I was famous for my inability to induce vomiting.

I am now inspired to write a story detailing the extent to which I found this out. Stay tuned for the grosses story I will ever write. Thanks.