Saturday, November 28, 2009

Social Tip #174 - You Can Never Go Back

I went to visit my old elementary school, but when I got there it had changed its name from "Desert Shadows" to "Liberty" and I didn't recognize any of the structures.

I disregarded the no-trespassing sign and hopped a fence to investigate the changes. I had my speech all planned out in case I was approached by security. You can't arrest me, I'm a Liberty alumna, only in 1985 it was called Desert Shadows. I always thought "Desert Shadows" was a depressing name for an elementary, it's a constant reminder that everyone who lives here has to hide in dark crevices to prevent the sun's constant x-ray exposure. But it is still better than "Liberty." If anyone, it is those on the school board who should be apprehended for allowing a war-time name change to proselytize young children into blindly following the American creed. Five years old is too soon for liberty or death.

Later, I learned that my old school hadn't changed at all, I was just at the wrong school.

(actual Desert Shadows Elementary shadow)

Friday, November 27, 2009

Social Tip #173 - Fuck The System

Watching Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. Everyone on the show is beautiful and talentless, which is a mistake. The motivation is all wrong; if these people actually get better, they can't be on TV anymore.

The show should be entirely recast; it would be way more interesting to watch seven ugly people stand around an explain how they tricked enough people into sleeping with them to develop an addiction in the first place.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Social Tip #172 - Be Prepared

Before I get started, I want to point out where the exits are so that when the next terrorist act occurs, I won't have to trip over you on the way out.

-Me at any live performance

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Social Tip #171 - No Moleste

Did you hear about that drive-by molestation? It was really touch and go there.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Social Tip #170 - Give A Man A Fish

You can lead a horse to water, but once it's done drinking, it will still piss like a horse.

Social Tip #169 - Don't Ride The C Train

Statistics show that I'm more likely to throw myself in front of a train than die of lung cancer.

Riding the C Train = Gettin' Cancer

Friday, November 13, 2009

Social Tip #168 - Recognize Your Mistakes

Do you ever date someone and they look into your eyes like you are the answer to all of their problems and all you can think is, fuck, I need to stop dating my best friend's little brother?

*Photo by Derek

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Social Tip #167 - Be A Good Sport

I watched the World Series, I can't believe major league baseball players have to hi-5 the other team after they lose. They might as well make prosecutors high-5 the the player's defense attorneys after getting them off of rape charges.


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Social Tip #166 - Rinse And Repeat

"Having a vagina is a pre-existing condition."

-My friend Ruben, warning me about the public option's abortion policy

Social Tip #165 - Look At This

Patrick Swayze as a centaur.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Social Tip #164 - Stretch Yourself

Am I reaching for the stars?

No, I wouldn't say reaching... I'm stretching for the stars. It's more like a yawn. Don't wake me, I'm dreaming about reaching for the stars.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Social Tip #163 - Don't Space Out

A Barcelona-based company is moving forward with plans to open the world's first space hotel in 2012, guests will pay 4.4 million for for a three-night stay in orbit.

Finally, science has found a way for trash to shoot itself into outer space.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Social Tip #162 - Euphemize Me

I don't know if I'm late on this but, C.C.H Pounder? That's a woman and that's her name? She sounds like an NBA player's whole evening: the Burger Sandwich he orders and what he did to her at the end of the night.

Those C.C.H. Pounder charges won't stick.
Social Tip #161 - Dissolve The Phrase

Wheel of Fortune went to historic Boston this week. The talented lineup: Crazy-Eyed Tina who constantly requested the letter "Ahh," Lena the Snore, and abusive alcoholic (just a guess) Todd, who cursed in the left corner of the screen while Tina was winning. When asked to introduce his family, Todd said, "This is my gorgeous wife, Kathy."

Nice try. If a woman is gorgeous, you don't need to announce it. And how demeaning.

I doubt his wife introduces him with, "This is my handsome husband, Todd."

Todd was hot.

Social Tip #160 - Write What You Know

That's what the experts say.

Unfortunately, all I know is to write what I know.