Sunday, May 31, 2009

Social Tip #85 - GO TO THERAPY

I have two friends who fight with each other over whose therapist is better.

I bet they could both find better therapists.

Friday, May 29, 2009


IKEA is a sterile hospital of modular asexuality. The people that go there mix and match their furniture the way they mix and match their neutral genitals.

I have a twin brother, a fact which some people react to strangely, as though we are a perversion of the identical parent trapping phenomenon they wished they were as kids. Instead, my brother and I are just two siblings who split a uterus for 8 months. Sometimes I get dumbly asked if me and my brother are identical or fraternal. I usually say that we are fraternal, the difference being that my dick is bigger.

Now when I tell people about my twin I try to spare their disappointment and say that we were both born as hermaphrodites, and that when we were born the doctor surgically defined our genders in an experiment to see which one we should have been.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Social Tip #83 - GET FREE MONEY

A friend recently confided in me that she has been able to maintain her debaucherous lifestyle despite being unemployed because she received a surprise inheritance from a distantly related aunt.

Man, I would kill for an inheritance.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Social Tip #82 - SPICE THINGS UP

After dating the same guy for over a year, it is important to keep things fresh and exciting in the bedroom. Me and my boyfriend play role-paying games. Does anyone else... want to?

This is what we do: I make my boyfriend pretend that he is a rapist. Then I pretend to be the rapist's mother.

ME: Honey, have you brushed your teeth yet?

BOYFRIEND: Leave me alone, mom! I'm raping!

ME: What have I told you about raping before you brush your teeth? And don't forget to clean up your room when you're done!

BOYFRIEND: God, mom, I know!

ME: I don't like your tone, mister. Just wait until your father gets home, no rape for a week!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Social Tip #81 - MAKE EXCUSES

People always make excuses for the state of the bathroom when they get out after being in there for a while, they're like, "It smelled like this before I got in here."

So I do the same thing if people give me a strange look when I take too long. "Hey," I say, "there was coke all over my nose when I got here."

Friday, May 22, 2009

Social Tip #80 - LEGALIZE DRUGS

Someone once asked me how I can be so passionate about the legalization of drugs. "Don't you know anyone who has died from a drug overdose?" they asked me.

"No, I don't," I said. "Not anymore."

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


I hate the idea of having to work, so I've picked jobs based on what would be most amusing to do. One summer I worked for an upper-class bakery. "God," I thought, "I am going to meet so many rich people that I am going to hate and make fun of. This is going to fill my well of hatred."

That's the same way I felt about the Container Store. I was like, "The Container Store? That would be hilarious if I worked there. That place has to be full of douchebag situations that I'm going to want to laugh about later, when I no longer have such a shitty life that I have to work at the Container Store."

They put me through an eight hour "foundation training day" and by the end of it I was like, "I love containers. Everything needs to be put in a container." I was helping everyone. Oh, you have a dog? Here! Here is a container for your plastic poop bags. You will also need containers for your anti-depressants. You have cancer? Well then you will need a container for all your medications and your hair. Every problem can be solved by containers! It got to the point where I couldn't wait to die, because then I could be buried and placed in a coffin, the ultimate container.

I ended up walking out on my job there because the weirdos at the Dallas HQ were using the surveillance cameras to spy on their employees in different stores. They made a specific call to my location in Manhattan to instruct one of our floor managers to remind me not to lean on the cash registers. I left flipping off every camera I could find with my pants around my ankles.

I thought ignoring their phone calls for two weeks would be enough, but they didn't fire me and instead asked me to come in and officially quit. I don't know why I did it. Its not like I cared about leaving things on good terms, it wasn't like I needed a letter of recommendation for a new career at Bed Bath and Beyond. When I got to their offices they asked me if I had brought a letter of resignation. What?? No! Of course I didn't bring a letter of resignation. The last time I was here I was escorted out while screaming "I will not contain myself." I am high right now. So, "No, I did not bring a letter of resignation."

"Okay," the manager smiled unconvincingly, "I will just get you a blank piece of paper and a pen. Let me know if you need any help."

"Yeah, actually, I will need some help," I said. "Would you mind holding the paper down while I trace my middle finger?"

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


When I was young I heard about how some adults had to go the therapy because they had repressed memories of being sexually molested as children. I spent the rest of my childhood paying close attention to every encounter to make sure that I would repress nothing.

When I look back on my childhood I have no memory of being molested. I can't believe I missed it.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Social Tip #77 - HAPPY BIRTH YEAR

Someone told me that they had a relationship with the year they were born in, and then asked me about mine. I said I felt pretty good about it. I was born in 1981, the year that AIDS was discovered.

No matter what I do, no one will ever be able to say I was the worst thing to come out of 1981.

Sunday, May 17, 2009


Word for word, this is how my friend Pam decided to go to law school:

"If I get skinny enough I'll go work on the Bunny Ranch, but I don't know if I can do that so I think I'll just become a lawyer."

Got a problem with where you're going to put all your nuclear power plants and other kinds of hazardous systems? Just stick them in the graveyards.

Those people are dead already.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Social Tip #74 - BREAKING UP

No matter what you say when you break up, what you really mean is:

"Sorry, I would rather die alone."

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Social Tip #73 - BEANS

I got really excited at all the Facebook attention I've gotten for some of these blog posts until I put up a status about my cooking and found that people were equally if not more excited to discuss how to cook beans.

My comedy amounts to a hill of beans?

Monday, May 11, 2009

Social Tip #72 - CARRIAGE RIDES

I don't understand why it is romantic to take a ride in a horse-drawn carriage. The whole time you are riding behind a guy who drives horse-drawn carriages for a living.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Social Tip #71 - AIDS JOKES

Last night I was at a BBQ and ended up talking to some people about HIV. I don't remember what my point was, but I know it wasn't serious enough to keep people from laughing and digging around in their purses for Klonopin. It doesn't matter anyhow because we were interrupted by some carbon pile who exhumed that old gag of confusing the meanings of being HIV positive or negative.
"Oh no, Your test results were negative? That's terrible, you are so young. Have you written a list of everything you want to do before you die?"
Why did he do that?! Someone should suffocate him with the AIDS quilt. Maybe people who think it is funny to pretend to be stupid are just too stupid to know when something isn't funny. Personally, I'd rather get AIDS then tell that joke. It shares the same comedic welcome as an inappropriate sexual pun (ex. I like to give children head. Excuse me, a head full of knowledge.)

If you are still telling that joke, I have some important information for you: Jokes die. And that AIDS joke had a shorter life span than the person who inspired it.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Social Tip #70 - Romance

Tonight I met a guy who told me he would be a better comedian if he didn't make so much money playing internet poker. I loved to hate him instantly; he drunkenly swayed when he talked like an inflatable tube man at a used car lot in slow motion. The tube man bragged he could do whatever he wanted, move to Alaska if it moved him. Of course, he never went to Alaska. I tried to explain that it was his contentment, not wealth, that stood in the way of his artistic life.

Later, he persistently followed me outside, and we were approached by a man with skin lesions selling individually wrapped roses.

"Doesn't anyone believe in romance anymore?" wailed skin lesion man.

"Sorry, man. I'm broke," the tube man lied, avoiding eye contact both out of disgust and an inability to focus his gaze. He rudely dismissed the skin lesion man like a person who was writing a suicide letter would dismiss a birthday clown. Injustice like that should not go unpunished.

"That's not true," I said as I grabbed the rose seller, "this guy just told me that he makes tons of money."

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Social Tip # 69 - Weapons of Mass Distraction

I can't get over the fact that America nuked Japan during WWII, twice. One for each world war, I guess. I can't imagine rationalizing something so destructive and generally wrong for humankind. I just can't get over it.

And don't be fooled by the seemingly amicable relationship we share with Japan now. They have gotten us back, they just haven't been so obvious about it. We filled their land with radiation and jeopardized their gene pool with nuclear arms. They did it to us by introducing Nintendo.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Social Tip #68 - Stand-up Comedy and Weddings

I don't like my friends coming to see me perform stand-up comedy if they have to pay. Why should they spend money to see the over-produced version of a show they would get for free if they got me high at a party?

Then again, I can't begin to count what it has cost me to participate in my friend's weddings: air fair, costuming, gifts, nasty looks from elderly guests for not being family, nasty looks from the bride for being friends with the groom, hotel, parking, necessary after-party bar tab, etc. They might as well incur some of the debt as comedy shows and weddings are functionally identical: someone tells embarrassing stories about their childhood while everyone gets drunk and spends a lot of money. I paid to see their self-indulgent pageants, why should I feel guilty for charging my friends to see mine?

The only difference between a comedy show and a wedding is that the people who host a wedding go home happy.