Saturday, August 29, 2009

Social Tip #132 - Don't Overstay Your Welcome

Old goths - - seriously? You're still doing that? Don't you think its time to cut your hair and not intimidate the wait staff at Applebees?

Friday, August 28, 2009

Social Tip #131 - Follow Your Dreams

Even before I moved here, very little of the life I've imagined for myself did not take place in New York. The first time I left the city to go on a trip, I felt panicky, and found myself constantly looking to the east.

"They're going to nuke it. They're going to nuke it and I'm going to miss it."

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Social Tip #130 - Always Double Down

I don't understand the appeal of threesomes, it seems like less sex for everybody. If you get a pizza, would you want to share it with two people, or three people?

Now imagine there's a vagina on that pizza.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Social Tip # 129 - Put Your Legs Up

A hideous foot jutted out from under my seat two days ago on a flight to N. Carolina.

"A word of advice, " I said, as I turned around to confront the foot's owner. "You might want to put your legs up. I did just see Misery and I'm totally in the mood to hobble. Some people have the urge to purge, I have the hankering to hobble."

Social Tip #128- Trust Your Instinct

A friend was telling me how he feels about monogamous relationships. "It's hard for me to settle down," he said, "but once I'm in, I'm in."

Once I'm in, I'm out.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Social Tip #127 - Pay Your Dues

When a fetus gets aborted, does it go to heaven? What would it do there? I imagine it would just die anyway unless God created a little nursery with tiny incubators.

If it were up to me, the only abortions allowed to go to heaven would be the ones that participated in stem cell research.

Social Tip #126 - Make Amends

I was walking through the park when a stranger ran up to me.

"Hey, litterbug, I saw you throw your trash on the ground!"

"Sorry," I said, "I didn't think anyone was watching."

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


I was deciding whether or not to work with a talented but unreliable artist when a friend referred to the artist as "a liability, at best."

All liabilities are a liability "at best."

Monday, August 17, 2009

Social Tip #124 - TAKE ONE TO KNOW ONE

Someone recently commented on my blog that I was "fucking brilliant." I really wanted to enjoy being brilliant, but my boyfriend pointed out that I didn't know the commenter personally.

"How do you know if that compliment is worth anything? What would you say if the commenter was retarded?"

I would say, "Who taught you that word? Who taught you 'brilliant'?"

Photo by Articulate Matter

Friday, August 14, 2009


Humans are smart. Humans are so smart that they are the only species on the planet classifying its members as retarded. I've never even seen a retard that wasn't a human.

(Is this animal retarded?)

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Social Tip #122 - FACE FACTS

Mt Rushmore freaks me out. Before it was carved up, it was originally known by the Lakota Sioux as "Six Grandfathers," but they didn't seem to need to blast the mountain in their images. Now it is three great dudes, and some other guy. Who is that other guy? It was just like some guy said, "I built it, I should get to be one."

Monday, August 10, 2009

Social Tip #121 - SMELL THE ROSES

A cop sped by me on a motorcycle as I was getting high on mushrooms in the park.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to slow down, you are missing all the illegal activity. You should be riding a horse."

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Social Tip #120 - BE THERE

My dad explained a scene to me from the original "The Taking of Pelham 123," and I disappointed him by not laughing as hard as he was.

"I guess you had to be there," he said.

You guess I had to be where? In the movie theater, when the scene happened? Or alive, when the movie came out?

Scenes from TV or movies are never funny secondhand. Yes, Curb Your Enthusiasm is a great show, but if I wanted to enjoy it, I would watch it. Stop trying to drown me in your bucket of yawns.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Social Tip #119 - LOOK ALIVE

Medical advancements are weird. They can't fully fix you or keep you alive forever, they just sort of extend your life. It's basically like saying, "So, you want to stick around for another twenty years?"

I guess so, I don't know. Now there are more options? It's hard enough coming up with the courage to kill myself, and here you are, forcing me to make the decision to live longer? You monsters.

Photo by Articulate Matter

Thursday, August 06, 2009


I went to a cemetery in Philadelphia where the first Americans with power and influence were buried. This is one inscription I found on a particularly worried piece of stone:

William Hurry (1721-1781)
"Who rang the bell proclaiming the Declaration of Independence July 4, 1776"

Wedged in between the cracks of the crumbling monument was a tourist's nylon colonial flag.

William Hurry's Tomb (1781 - Present)
"It was on this historic site that Americans first began using tombstones to display cheap souvenirs."

Monday, August 03, 2009

Social Tip #117 - TOUCH UP YOUR ROOTS

Tomorrow I visit Philadelphia, best known to me as being the city that was romantic enough for my parents to conceive me, but disgusting enough for them to need to move all the way to Arizona before finding an environment suitable for birth.

*I searched 'hair" and "Philadelphia" hoping to find a picture of embarrassingly teased out hair, but the first thing that came up was for a picture entitled "Found: Hair Track/ Weave, on South Street." Congratulations, Philadelphia, you are even trashier than I hoped. Thanks for taking pictures of your hair before leaving it on the sidewalk.