Social Tip #227 - Just Sane, No

I am a really nervous person. I've been biting my nails for as long as I can remember. I got a stomach ulcer when I was nine.

I would try medication, but the thought of becoming addicted to anti-anxiety pills freaks me out.

Social Tip #210 - Slip Through the Cracks

I love crackheads. Unlike the other street snobs (belligerent homeless, Hasidic Jews, etc.), crackheads are so oblivious to reality that they can be stared at freely.

Beware, though, the crackhead curse! Never look one in the eyes.

If you look a crackhead in the eyes, you're next.

Social Tip #207 - Sniff and Scratch

I don't understand why cocaine enjoys so much popularity. I didn't even have fun the last three thousand times I did it.

Social Tip #205 - Check Your Privacy Settings


I was wandering down the street, drunk. And this strange guy walks up to me and asks, "What are you looking for?"

At first I was like, "Woah, that's too personal, man." And then I realized he was selling drugs.

Even still.

Social Tip #137 - Hit Rock Bottom

I bought a 12-step book that claimed an addict had to hit rock bottom before finding the strength to quit. That doesn't apply to me; there is no rock bottom for a weed smoker. The lowest I ever got was when I bought a 12-step book because I was too high to know what I was buying. And another time when I tried to smoke a candle wick.

Social Tip #121 - SMELL THE ROSES

A cop sped by me on a motorcycle as I was getting high on mushrooms in the park.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to slow down, you are missing all the illegal activity. You should be riding a horse."

Social Tip #112 - DELEGATE YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES

I was murmuring obscenities at a bar when a friend came up to me and asked, "Don't you think you've had enough already?"

I said, "I don't know, lets ask this glass of wine." I looked down at it like a magic eight ball, "Do you think I've had enough to drink?" then I took a swig.

"It said, 'Ask again later.'"

Social Tip #111 - WISH YOURSELF A HAPPY BIRTHDAY

I am a cheap person who prefers to remain mostly detached from society, and as such use a no-commitment Virgin Mobile cell phone on which I spend the majority of my minutes explaining to callers that "Jazzy" no longer deals drugs from this number, but if they do get a hold of him, I would appreciate the connection. This week I am in Canada where it turns out that Virgin Mobile does not provide any service at any cost. Ordinarily, no problem, I hate to talk on the phone, but today is my birthday, and I am obliged to answer or return phone calls from my family who are obliged to call me. In an attempt to alert them of the impossibility of receiving their birthday wishes I sent them an email explaining the situation, and promised I would conduct the following imaginary (read: inflammatory) conversation in place of a real connection:


:Ring Ring:

You: Happy Birthday!

Me: Thanks! You too! (Josh only*)

You: You know what time it is?

Me: 3:43pm, the exact time of my birth. How thoughtful of you to remember. (Mom only**)

You: Right! And guess what else?

Me: As a present you are sending me a new cell phone and service that reaches all the way to Canada?

You: Right again!

Me: Wow, that is really too much. I can't accept.

You: I insist!

Me: No.

You: Yes!

Me: It's too nice, but I really appreciate the sentiment.

You: You are keeping it. Don't make me fight with you on your birthday.

Me: Okay, okay. Thank you so much, you really shouldn't have.

You: My pleasure. What do you plan to do to celebrate?

Me: I'm going to try heroin for the first time.

You: You've never tried it before?

Me: Never.

You: Oh man, it's awesome! (Heather only***). Have a great time with it!

Me: How could I not?

You: Good point.

Me: How is everything with you?

You: My life is working out perfectly, thanks.****

Me: Wow, really?

You: I am currently dating many women who are young enough to not expect anything out of me. (Dad only)

Me: Great! Well, thanks for calling. I have to get going, I promised Cosby I would help him out with a couple punchlines before his big show Saturday night. You know how it is.

You: Not really. Happy birthday! I love you!

Me: I love you too! Bye!

You: Bye!

Me: .....

You:....

Me: You're supposed to hang up.

You: I was waiting for you to hang up.

:Click:

*Josh is my twin brother. It is weird to call my twin on our birthday. It feels like I am being more self-indulgent than nice, like I am forcing him to wish me a happy birthday. Being a twin is strange. When we were little my mom used to dress us up the same to amplify our cuteness factor, only we are a boy and girl, so people didn't get that we were twins. They just thought we were part of a dance team.

** My mom always calls at the exact time of our births. Yes, this is corny, but the upside is I always know exactly when she will call and will not be taken by surprise. Also I know the call can only last seven minutes before she will have to hang up to call my brother at the exact time of his birth. Ahh, the privilege of being born first.

***Heather is my older sister. She is not a drug addict, but instead is the "good" child, and I thought I would convince the rest of my family that she does heroin as a birthday present to myself. I, on the other hand, would do heroin all the time if I could figure out Jazzy's new number.

**** No one in anyone's family ever has their life work out perfectly. This was another birthday gift to myself. Thanks, me. I'm welcome.

Social Tip #107 - GIVE IT UP

There are a million TV shows telling people they should lose weight, and Suze Ormon wants you to stop using your credit cards because you can't afford it, and Intervention wants to get all of those drug addicts and alcoholics the treatment they desperately need. They're even trying to get Scott Baio to settle down or he might keep having sex with whoever the fuck he wants to for another thirty years.

The only addictive thing that anyone wants to keep around is the television.

Social Tip #101 - LEARN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE

I used to have a job waiting on young Japanese girls and old Upper East Side alien ladies at an all-white lacquered pastry boutique. Nobody in that place spoke English; it was my job to make recommendations for them. Do you know what kind of cake goes best with Zoloft? Chocolate.

Once, my boss caught me daydreaming and asked me why I wasn’t doing any work.

"I'm busy thinking," I said.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I'm thinking about how much I hate this job. “

"Well, it's really getting in the way of your productivity."

Nobody in that place spoke English.

Social Tip #94 - LEGALIZE MORE DRUGS MORE

Why is it so much more illegal to sell drugs than it is to use them? If we throw our money away, that's our problem.

If we try to make it back, that's America's problem.

Social Tip #81 - MAKE EXCUSES

People always make excuses for the state of the bathroom when they get out after being in there for a while, they're like, "It smelled like this before I got in here."

So I do the same thing if people give me a strange look when I take too long. "Hey," I say, "there was coke all over my nose when I got here."

Social Tip #80 - LEGALIZE DRUGS

Someone once asked me how I can be so passionate about the legalization of drugs. "Don't you know anyone who has died from a drug overdose?" they asked me.

"No, I don't," I said. "Not anymore."

Social Tip #68 - Stand-up Comedy and Weddings

I don't like my friends coming to see me perform stand-up comedy if they have to pay. Why should they spend money to see the over-produced version of a show they would get for free if they got me high at a party?

Then again, I can't begin to count what it has cost me to participate in my friend's weddings: air fair, costuming, gifts, nasty looks from elderly guests for not being family, nasty looks from the bride for being friends with the groom, hotel, parking, necessary after-party bar tab, etc. They might as well incur some of the debt as comedy shows and weddings are functionally identical: someone tells embarrassing stories about their childhood while everyone gets drunk and spends a lot of money. I paid to see their self-indulgent pageants, why should I feel guilty for charging my friends to see mine?

The only difference between a comedy show and a wedding is that the people who host a wedding go home happy.

Social Tip #61 - Doing Drugs

Whenever I am at a crazy bar or party I go into the bathroom and scrape everything up with a business card and snort it.

I figure, I don't know what's in coke anyway.

Social Tip #59 - Working as a Temp

Here is a letter from a nervous new temp seeking my advice:

Dearest Myka:

Your sage-like advice was so helpful last time; I'm reaching out to you again.

I "scored" an office job for the day, but the anxiety of sitting in this sterile office and the fear of getting caught looking at tranny porn is giving me the runs! I don't really wanna leave my desk for fear that I'll miss a crucial call from a telemarketer, plus of the four times I've tried to "drop the kids off at the pool" I've only been successful once.

HALP!

Anne Onimous

My response:

Dearest Anne,

Congratulations on your new job. I think I can help you with your problems if we clear up some confusions...

1) A one-day office job is a blessing. Feel free to watch hours of chick dicks and poop when and wherever you want. They are expecting it of you, you're a temp. If you don't flex your incompetence, all the regular office drones will spend the rest of the week laughing at the "temp who didn't sit in tears under his desk." So, go for it!

2) Don't worry about missing those telemarketer calls... they'll always call back! Also, don't be afraid to put them on hold, they can wait just as long you can not care. Need help? Telemarketers use a script when calling you, so here is a script you can use with them:

TELEMARKETER: Can I speak to the person who is in charge of purchasing toner?

YOU: I am that person and I would love to give you our account. Can you please wait a moment? There is a knock at my butt-door, and I have to answer it.

(Put telemarketer on hold until intestinal evacuation is complete.Return to desk)

YOU: Thank you so much for holding, I thought that toilet paper would never wipe clean. Ill buy extra reams if you can guess the color!

3) You say you have the runs, but your ass is a depressed house wife and your poops are the painful childhood memories it just can't get rid of. You must take your out-hole to Therapy. Therapy is a bar that serves noxious cocktails, take a long lunch and blow your paycheck there. If you aren't leaking all over the office carpet by 5pm, you are sure to explode black bile at a strangers house in the early AM.

Best of luck in your field of employ!

Myka

I hope this helps all of you other nervous temps out there. Be well, and keep the questions coming.

Social Tip #30 - Gateway Drugs

When I was in middle school I knew this kid who was forced to to take Ritalin even though he hated it, and it was a daily event to watch him get chased through the halls by the school nurse. I went back to my hometown recently and found out he had become a heroine addict.

I watched the Care Bears today and found a designer coffee shop on the main drag of Care Bear Square. It turns out that Care Bears are really ramped up on the last legal addictive stimulant, and that is why they stare. Also on the block was Surprise Bear's Methadone Clinic and a Mac Genius Bar.

Hey DEA, if your looking for the modern gateway drug, I'd start with Saturday morning cartoons and the public school system.