Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Social Tip # 246 - Never Remember

I have a friend who will defend everything about drinking, except for blacking out. She says its the worst part about drinking. I’m thinking, “What about remembering when you get raped?”

I’m just saying, if you’re blacking out every night, maybe your life isn’t worth remembering. Most people drink to forget their problems, you’re a step ahead, you drink to not find out what your problems are in the first place.And that’s a smart plan. If you are going to get wasted, drive to the bar where your ex boyfriend works and set fire to his car, then go to his apartment where he lives with his pregnant girlfriend to steal your cat back... it makes sense that you would drink enough to pass a lie detector test in the morning.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Social Tip #245 - The Meek Shall Inherit the Worst

I'm from Scottsdale, AZ, an artificial oasis in the middle of the desert, and home to the $30k millionaire. Everyone in Scottsdale is a star. They take their yearly $30k, lease a BMW, and drive around like they own the town. The only problem is the town sucks. There is nowhere important for them to drive to, and no one to impress when they get there... but they're driving a Beemer and bumping vintage Biggie.

They say that Los Angeles is the place where people's dreams go to die. Scottsdale is the place where people's pathetic dreams go to thrive.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Social Tip #244 - BS to Impress

I told a guy that I liked rap and he said, "I was going to be a rapper, but then I decided to go to grad school instead."

Easy there, MC Student Loans. Don't try to impress me with something you could have done. I can't fuck your potential.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Social Tip #243 - A Mid-Century Night's Nightmare

I got hit on at a bar by a much older man. He was good looking I guess for middle age but I don’t know if I’m ready to see fifty-year-old balls. I don’t think I’ve reached that level of depression. Although, ironically, just my being hit on by someone that old dragged my depression almost deep enough for me to consider it. I asked him what he did and he said, "I’m a painter." Oh, hot.

"You paint for a living?" I asked.

“Well, I paint.” he replied, and then he kept talking, "Professionally I sell mid-century furniture."

Wait.... did you say mid-century? Be still my beating clit. Why are you saying mid-century? I just know he used to tell women that he just sold furniture, but then one day he said "mid-century," and a woman crawled into his yellowed bed and he's been saying it ever since. What a cup full of yuck. Mid-century, that just means your sell your furniture, you old fuck.

On his way out he didn’t try to get my number, but he did come in real close, pat me on the back and say, ‘Good luck.” What is that supposed to mean? I’m not sure, but I think it means “I sell mid-century furniture... but I fuck contemporary pussy."

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Social Tip #242 - Be The Third Wheel of Fortune

I have a friend who only dates rich men she meets on the internet, and she always begs me to go out with them. She's like, “Just kind of hang out so I don’t get raped."

I'm fine with this. They aren't my dates, so I get the perks of free high-end food and booze without having to pretend I'm interested. And, if somebody is getting raped, it's her.