Social Tip #234 - Quit From Home

I've had a lot of jobs and they always end the same way. They always end with me deciding I don’t want to work at a place anymore and then just stop showing up. I never quit. Why should I bother to go in to quit? I don’t work there anymore.

Social Tip #184 - Robot-Class Hero

A lot of people are complaining that computers and robots are taking jobs from real workers. I say, "Good! Let the computers do the work! Let the people rest; the work's still gettin' done, right?"

I don't see any harm, as long as the Chinese people don't realize they're not robots before they have built enough robots to replace themselves.

Social Tip #156 - Fight For Your Rights

I met a serviceman before he was sent off on his second tour of Iraq. I asked him why he got into the Army, he said, "I would rather die for my country than stay here to work for minimum wage."

Apparently $7.25 an hour is worth dying for, it's just not worth working for.

The military should pull recruits directly out of the low-paying retail and restaurant workforce, nothing motivates prejudice more than failure to tip.

Social Tip #101 - LEARN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE

I used to have a job waiting on young Japanese girls and old Upper East Side alien ladies at an all-white lacquered pastry boutique. Nobody in that place spoke English; it was my job to make recommendations for them. Do you know what kind of cake goes best with Zoloft? Chocolate.

Once, my boss caught me daydreaming and asked me why I wasn’t doing any work.

"I'm busy thinking," I said.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I'm thinking about how much I hate this job. “

"Well, it's really getting in the way of your productivity."

Nobody in that place spoke English.

Social Tip #97 - GET A JOB, HIPPIE!

Employment is like a game show where we get prizes for behaving.

Let an employer decide what you think about for forty hours a week, win enough points for a TV.
Let an employer control you for a month and you can win enough points for a plasma TV.
Earn enough points for leisure time and they will allow you to spend a week recovering from having your thoughts castrated by watching a falsification of somebody else's interesting life on your shiny talking prize.

Social Tip #93 - PUT THE MINIMUM IN FEMINIMUMISM

I am tired of women complaining that we have a harder time finding work than men, I feel like I am definitely more likely to get a job if I am up against a guy. I am just not as likely to get paid for it.

Social Tip #79 - FINDING EMPLOYMENT

I hate the idea of having to work, so I've picked jobs based on what would be most amusing to do. One summer I worked for an upper-class bakery. "God," I thought, "I am going to meet so many rich people that I am going to hate and make fun of. This is going to fill my well of hatred."

That's the same way I felt about the Container Store. I was like, "The Container Store? That would be hilarious if I worked there. That place has to be full of douchebag situations that I'm going to want to laugh about later, when I no longer have such a shitty life that I have to work at the Container Store."

They put me through an eight hour "foundation training day" and by the end of it I was like, "I love containers. Everything needs to be put in a container." I was helping everyone. Oh, you have a dog? Here! Here is a container for your plastic poop bags. You will also need containers for your anti-depressants. You have cancer? Well then you will need a container for all your medications and your hair. Every problem can be solved by containers! It got to the point where I couldn't wait to die, because then I could be buried and placed in a coffin, the ultimate container.

I ended up walking out on my job there because the weirdos at the Dallas HQ were using the surveillance cameras to spy on their employees in different stores. They made a specific call to my location in Manhattan to instruct one of our floor managers to remind me not to lean on the cash registers. I left flipping off every camera I could find with my pants around my ankles.

I thought ignoring their phone calls for two weeks would be enough, but they didn't fire me and instead asked me to come in and officially quit. I don't know why I did it. Its not like I cared about leaving things on good terms, it wasn't like I needed a letter of recommendation for a new career at Bed Bath and Beyond. When I got to their offices they asked me if I had brought a letter of resignation. What?? No! Of course I didn't bring a letter of resignation. The last time I was here I was escorted out while screaming "I will not contain myself." I am high right now. So, "No, I did not bring a letter of resignation."

"Okay," the manager smiled unconvincingly, "I will just get you a blank piece of paper and a pen. Let me know if you need any help."

"Yeah, actually, I will need some help," I said. "Would you mind holding the paper down while I trace my middle finger?"

Social Tip # 62 - Avoidance

Hi. I've been neglecting the blog this week to take care of:

1) Taxes (And no, I still have not finished them and have not gotten an extension.)

2) Eviction Court (And no, my crazy roommate has still not been removed from my apartment but instead has started a collection of empty coffee cans and old newspapers on the kitchen floor... perhaps to prepare for a life as a homeless person? Have I even mentioned this nut bag before? This isn't the guy who pees in Coke bottles, this is the 50 year old bike messenger who decided one day to stop paying rent. I will miss him, he has incredible OCD that causes him to bleach out the shower once a week. It's great, I haven't had to clean the toilet once in the two years I've lived here.)

3) Work (Trying to get work, trying to keep the work I've got. Trying to work is work.)

I will write more provocative content soon. Until then, here is a picture of a crazy lady: