Social Tip #103 - QUESTION YOUR FAITH

If man is made in God's image, I wonder how big God's dick is?

Only one woman knows. Maybe that is why Mary keeps popping up everywhere, so that she can tell us. It would explain why she holds her arms open in front of her, she is sending a message, "it was THIS BIG."

Social Tip #102 - GET WHAT'S COMING TO YOU

When I was a kid my mom didn’t want me playing video games, she insisted that they were going to give me Attention Deficit Disorder. She bought me a boomerang instead and told me to go be healthy and play outside. One minute later I was back inside the house with a bruise on my eye because by the time the boomerang came back around I had forgotten it. My mom was happy anyway because she loves to be right.

Social Tip #101 - LEARN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE

I used to have a job waiting on young Japanese girls and old Upper East Side alien ladies at an all-white lacquered pastry boutique. Nobody in that place spoke English; it was my job to make recommendations for them. Do you know what kind of cake goes best with Zoloft? Chocolate.

Once, my boss caught me daydreaming and asked me why I wasn’t doing any work.

"I'm busy thinking," I said.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I'm thinking about how much I hate this job. “

"Well, it's really getting in the way of your productivity."

Nobody in that place spoke English.

Social Tip #100 (!) - BOW DOWN

I hate a lot of people, so I emanate hate a lot, maybe. And sometimes the wrong people pick up on it, they get caught in the cross-fire. Like, I am shooting them with the opposite of Cupid's arrows. Arrows that hurt instead of feel good, hate arrows. I'm a hate cupid. What does that make me, like, an archer?

Social Tip #99 - DON'T THROW AWAY A KEEPER

Once, an ex-boyfriend called me up and said "I've been missing you." I agreed to hang out with him at his apartment, and when I went to the bathroom I found a trash can full of used condoms, which means...

A) He had not been missing me.

or

B) He had not taken out the garbage in a really long time.

Either way, gross.

I told him that that was it, that it was over, and he was like, "Nooooo!" and started banging his head on the couch.

I said, "You should start banging your head on the trashcan full of condoms."

Social tip #98 - JUST SAY NO

There can only be one best response to a sky written marriage proposal...

Social Tip #97 - GET A JOB, HIPPIE!

Employment is like a game show where we get prizes for behaving.

Let an employer decide what you think about for forty hours a week, win enough points for a TV.
Let an employer control you for a month and you can win enough points for a plasma TV.
Earn enough points for leisure time and they will allow you to spend a week recovering from having your thoughts castrated by watching a falsification of somebody else's interesting life on your shiny talking prize.

Social Tip #96 - DREAM A LITTLE DREAM

I always wished I had been kidnapped. Anyone who was anti-establishment enough to kidnap a kid had to be cooler than my parents.

Social Tip #95 - INSPIRE OTHERS

While you were at work or asleep, I was watching TV. I saw this billionaire on the Travel Chanel who spent 40 million dollars building a fake city for his model trains. The giant set is three stories tall and the host said it would take a football field to house all of the fake trees and houses that had been set up. The billionaire said that the purpose of life, as he saw it, was to share his talents with the world.

And, specifically, not to ever help anyone.

Social Tip #94 - LEGALIZE MORE DRUGS MORE

Why is it so much more illegal to sell drugs than it is to use them? If we throw our money away, that's our problem.

If we try to make it back, that's America's problem.

Social Tip #93 - PUT THE MINIMUM IN FEMINIMUMISM

I am tired of women complaining that we have a harder time finding work than men, I feel like I am definitely more likely to get a job if I am up against a guy. I am just not as likely to get paid for it.

Social Tip #92 - FOLLOW YOUR SUSPICION

Once, I dated a guy who I thought was cheating on me. He grew this hideous beard, and I was convinced he was trying to hide hickeys.

It turned out he was converting to Orthodox Judaism, so I had to dump him anyway.

Social Tip #91 - BE POSITIVE

Whenever I am getting to know a person, I don't ask for their astrological sign, I ask for their blood type. It is more scientific.

No one has ever accepted someone's liver because they were a Virgo.

Social tip #90 - WAVE BUY-BUY TO GOD

There are a lot of strange buildings next to freeways, so whenever I go on road trips, I like to play the game "Church or Outlet Mall." Usually, it turns out that the building is both, so even though I always end up right, we all lose.

Aside from the gimmicky edifices built to pull people in, churches and malls also both run on the same business plan: they want you to spend money to be told what kind of person to be. The only difference is that an outlet mall allows its flock to worship more than one designer at a time. Unless, of course, you count the father, son, and holy ghost as separate designers, but I don't. They are all part of one big corporation and separated for marketing purposes, like Banana Republic, Gap and Old Navy. If you wanted to connect this analogy more definitively (and we might as well), it seems reasonable that the Father is Old Navy*, the Holy Ghost is the Gap**, and Jesus is the Banana Republic †.

While shopping centers pull farther away from religion (or is it the people who are pulling away? Shoppers are much more likely now to use a credit card than paper currency. In debt they trust?), churches are becoming more like merchants (churchants?). It is hard to find any house of God that doesn't have a gift shop within it. I find this practice distasteful, like the CBS store on Broadway. I want to think of CBS as a giant beacon emitting television and radio for the good of the masses, my God should be too big and powerful to need the extra $12.95 brought in by a CSI Miami mug.

* They are both old and war-like.
** Neither a ghost or gap is visible.
† They are the cool, expensive ones?

Social Tip #89 - BE LEFT HANDED

I know everyone wishes they were left-handed because left-handed people are smarter, but its not all presidential glory. If I were right handed, I would eat tuna every day. You should see me trying to use a can opener, I look like a bear trying to catch a salmon.

Yeah, I could find myself a left-handed can opener, but I'd rather live in misery. It's what I know.

Social Tip #88 - LET FREEDOM DRINK

I have a sister who lives in West Hollywood.

"I went to a gay rights march last night. Turned into a gay rights march and pub crawl. We lost the parade at the second bar and had to run to catch up. We caught up, but by then it was fun. Seriously, it was a crazy night! Too bad there aren't more marches, I could do that once a week."

If they keep marching from Circus Disco to Fubar, she'll get to go to them for the rest of her life.

Maybe that's why California upheld prop 8, when gays get their rights, the party is over.

Social Tip #87 - GIVETH AND TAKETH AWAY

I love hearing people talk about their sick parents... not!

That's the kind of joke I told when I was younger and still developing the trademarked subtlety my humor has won awards for. I used to love saying "not." Bring someone's hopes up for the length of a sentence, and then embarrass them with a hateful onslaught of negation. Hilarious.

I'm going to bring that back.


Not!

Social Tip #86 - REVELATIONS

Despite there being plenty of seating elsewhere, two women sat down directly on top of me and my boyfriend at our regular breakfast place to fatigue each other with textbook beginner vegan conversation and ruin any hope I had of privately enjoying my bright yellow tofu scramble wrap and dissatisfaction with life. One woman sat quietly while the other described how trying seitan has distracted her from her unfulfilling home life. Maybe her husband would pay more attention to her if she didn't dry heave her thoughts as though she were hungover from too many vodka and boring cocktails.

As we were finishing up our cayenne broccoli and free range beans, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted anything else. Usually, I never know what I want, but this time I saw a high-definition image of me picking up a wooden high chair and smashing it into the new vegan lady's head until her bloodied mouth made "texturized vegetable protein" sound like "Texaco venereal Protestant." While I considered the assault, an evil grin spread across on my face involuntarily, like blushing. I've always disturbed people with that grin; I used to get yelled at for it when I was a kid.

And that's when it hit me: being better than everyone doesn't necessarily mean I'm good. All this time I thought I was God, it never occurred to me that I could be the Devil.