Here is a letter from a nervous new temp seeking my advice:
Dearest Myka:My response:
Your sage-like advice was so helpful last time; I'm reaching out to you again.
I "scored" an office job for the day, but the anxiety of sitting in this sterile office and the fear of getting caught looking at tranny porn is giving me the runs! I don't really wanna leave my desk for fear that I'll miss a crucial call from a telemarketer, plus of the four times I've tried to "drop the kids off at the pool" I've only been successful once.
Dearest Anne,I hope this helps all of you other nervous temps out there. Be well, and keep the questions coming.
Congratulations on your new job. I think I can help you with your problems if we clear up some confusions...
1) A one-day office job is a blessing. Feel free to watch hours of chick dicks and poop when and wherever you want. They are expecting it of you, you're a temp. If you don't flex your incompetence, all the regular office drones will spend the rest of the week laughing at the "temp who didn't sit in tears under his desk." So, go for it!
2) Don't worry about missing those telemarketer calls... they'll always call back! Also, don't be afraid to put them on hold, they can wait just as long you can not care. Need help? Telemarketers use a script when calling you, so here is a script you can use with them:TELEMARKETER: Can I speak to the person who is in charge of purchasing toner?3) You say you have the runs, but your ass is a depressed house wife and your poops are the painful childhood memories it just can't get rid of. You must take your out-hole to Therapy. Therapy is a bar that serves noxious cocktails, take a long lunch and blow your paycheck there. If you aren't leaking all over the office carpet by 5pm, you are sure to explode black bile at a strangers house in the early AM.
YOU: I am that person and I would love to give you our account. Can you please wait a moment? There is a knock at my butt-door, and I have to answer it.
(Put telemarketer on hold until intestinal evacuation is complete.Return to desk)
YOU: Thank you so much for holding, I thought that toilet paper would never wipe clean. Ill buy extra reams if you can guess the color!
Best of luck in your field of employ!