I am a cheap person who prefers to remain mostly detached from society, and as such use a no-commitment Virgin Mobile cell phone on which I spend the majority of my minutes explaining to callers that "Jazzy" no longer deals drugs from this number, but if they do get a hold of him, I would appreciate the connection. This week I am in Canada where it turns out that Virgin Mobile does not provide any service at any cost. Ordinarily, no problem, I hate to talk on the phone, but today is my birthday, and I am obliged to answer or return phone calls from my family who are obliged to call me. In an attempt to alert them of the impossibility of receiving their birthday wishes I sent them an email explaining the situation, and promised I would conduct the following imaginary (read: inflammatory) conversation in place of a real connection:
You: Happy Birthday!:Click:
Me: Thanks! You too! (Josh only*)
You: You know what time it is?
Me: 3:43pm, the exact time of my birth. How thoughtful of you to remember. (Mom only**)
You: Right! And guess what else?
Me: As a present you are sending me a new cell phone and service that reaches all the way to Canada?
You: Right again!
Me: Wow, that is really too much. I can't accept.
You: I insist!
Me: It's too nice, but I really appreciate the sentiment.
You: You are keeping it. Don't make me fight with you on your birthday.
Me: Okay, okay. Thank you so much, you really shouldn't have.
You: My pleasure. What do you plan to do to celebrate?
Me: I'm going to try heroin for the first time.
You: You've never tried it before?
You: Oh man, it's awesome! (Heather only***). Have a great time with it!
Me: How could I not?
You: Good point.
Me: How is everything with you?
You: My life is working out perfectly, thanks.****
Me: Wow, really?
You: I am currently dating many women who are young enough to not expect anything out of me. (Dad only)
Me: Great! Well, thanks for calling. I have to get going, I promised Cosby I would help him out with a couple punchlines before his big show Saturday night. You know how it is.
You: Not really. Happy birthday! I love you!
Me: I love you too! Bye!
Me: You're supposed to hang up.
You: I was waiting for you to hang up.
*Josh is my twin brother. It is weird to call my twin on our birthday. It feels like I am being more self-indulgent than nice, like I am forcing him to wish me a happy birthday. Being a twin is strange. When we were little my mom used to dress us up the same to amplify our cuteness factor, only we are a boy and girl, so people didn't get that we were twins. They just thought we were part of a dance team.
** My mom always calls at the exact time of our births. Yes, this is corny, but the upside is I always know exactly when she will call and will not be taken by surprise. Also I know the call can only last seven minutes before she will have to hang up to call my brother at the exact time of his birth. Ahh, the privilege of being born first.
***Heather is my older sister. She is not a drug addict, but instead is the "good" child, and I thought I would convince the rest of my family that she does heroin as a birthday present to myself. I, on the other hand, would do heroin all the time if I could figure out Jazzy's new number.
**** No one in anyone's family ever has their life work out perfectly. This was another birthday gift to myself. Thanks, me. I'm welcome.