The other day I met a fellow comedian while waiting backstage to perform. He told me that his life had changed a lot since he moved from Utah. Then I did this:
Me: Man. That must have been terrible. Performing for Mormons? Those people are nuts.As he said this it dawned on me: goofy face, blond hair, horse teeth... this guy was a Mormon. By the time my brain processed his Mormon-ness he had already left to go on stage. I turned to the other people in the room.
Comedian: (polite laugh) It wasn't so bad.
Me: That guy's a Mormon, isn't he?Shit.
Other People: Yeah.
The Mormon comedian bound back in from the stage, flaunting his Mormonosity. Here was my chance to make amends.
Me: Hey. Great show. I'm sorry about what I said about the Mormons, you're probably a Mormon, aren't you?Nothing I could say to offend him? what kind of Mormon garbage is that? His faith prohibits my words from entering him as though they were caffeine or homosexual thoughts? If he can believe a stupid book then he can believe a live thinking human. How dare he assume that I am not creative enough to offend him!
Comedian: Yeah, I am. It's fine.
Me: No, it's not fine. It was stupid of me. Of course you are Mormon, why else would you live in Utah? I really didn't mean to offend you.
Comedian: Don't worry about it. There is nothing you could say to offend me.
Me: I don't even know why I said that. I guess it is just because every Mormon I've met has been really crazy.This was not true. I mean, yes, they did abstain from caffeine. And, yes, they were the biggest boozers I knew, but that was only because I didn't have many friends that drank because I wasn't cool enough to drink and I didn't have that many friends. But none of them became pregnant. And they were usually all reasonably nice. But fuck this guy.
Comedian: Where are you from?
Me: And hypocritical. I'm from Arizona and all the Mormons I went to school with were like, "I'm too good to drink caffeine," and then they would end up all drunk and pregnant. They were always the most troubled kids at our school.
Me: This one kid was caught killing all the cats in our neighborhood. Apparently everyone's cats had been disappearing and then someone found their heads fixed on broomsticks in this Mormon kid's bedroom. He said that god told him to do it.That was a true story, but about an Satanic kid my sister's boyfriend knew in San Diego. Still, close enough. The Mormon guy just looked on, confused.
Comedian: That's terrible.Mykas: 1 Mormons: 12,868,606
Me: I know.