Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Social Tip #79 - FINDING EMPLOYMENT

I hate the idea of having to work, so I've picked jobs based on what would be most amusing to do. One summer I worked for an upper-class bakery. "God," I thought, "I am going to meet so many rich people that I am going to hate and make fun of. This is going to fill my well of hatred."

That's the same way I felt about the Container Store. I was like, "The Container Store? That would be hilarious if I worked there. That place has to be full of douchebag situations that I'm going to want to laugh about later, when I no longer have such a shitty life that I have to work at the Container Store."

They put me through an eight hour "foundation training day" and by the end of it I was like, "I love containers. Everything needs to be put in a container." I was helping everyone. Oh, you have a dog? Here! Here is a container for your plastic poop bags. You will also need containers for your anti-depressants. You have cancer? Well then you will need a container for all your medications and your hair. Every problem can be solved by containers! It got to the point where I couldn't wait to die, because then I could be buried and placed in a coffin, the ultimate container.

I ended up walking out on my job there because the weirdos at the Dallas HQ were using the surveillance cameras to spy on their employees in different stores. They made a specific call to my location in Manhattan to instruct one of our floor managers to remind me not to lean on the cash registers. I left flipping off every camera I could find with my pants around my ankles.

I thought ignoring their phone calls for two weeks would be enough, but they didn't fire me and instead asked me to come in and officially quit. I don't know why I did it. Its not like I cared about leaving things on good terms, it wasn't like I needed a letter of recommendation for a new career at Bed Bath and Beyond. When I got to their offices they asked me if I had brought a letter of resignation. What?? No! Of course I didn't bring a letter of resignation. The last time I was here I was escorted out while screaming "I will not contain myself." I am high right now. So, "No, I did not bring a letter of resignation."

"Okay," the manager smiled unconvincingly, "I will just get you a blank piece of paper and a pen. Let me know if you need any help."

"Yeah, actually, I will need some help," I said. "Would you mind holding the paper down while I trace my middle finger?"

4 comments:

BrianAlt said...

They didn't want to get sued or have to pay unemployment.

Myka Fox said...

Yeah, I know. I have never been able to outlast my employers long enough to collect unemployment.

Merrick said...

Loved this- I too picked a job where I could make fun of people all day long but minus the global surveillance. Shame they had to bust your nuts b/c it sounds like they had a heck of an employee on their hands. . .until the pants-down screaming/middle finger thing.

magaziner said...

That is absolutely insane that they had security cameras watching you and they complained about you leaning on a cash register. It scares me to think that they won't create robots to be the perfect workers but scare us enough that we're forced not to lean on cash registers.

"Hello?"

"Yes, this is Dallas. XYZ or you're fired."