Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Social Tip #106 - YOU CAN'T HAVE "JEW" WITHOUT "EW"

A few years ago I was approached by a homeless-scented man with long, curly sideburns and a pilgrim's hat as I was walking down St. Marks. A Hasidic Jew.
"Kosher food?" he asked me.

"What?" Gross.

"You are a Jew?"

"No. I'm not," I said. I am, but only culturally. I had a bat-mitzvah but only because my parents made me. I never believed.

"Yes, Jew," the Hasid said, convinced. "Please," he begged, and wiggled his index finger towards himself and leaning in, indicating that he needed to tell me a secret. I leaned in to hear it. He opened his mouth to say "Kosher food," and then grabbed me by the back of the head and forced my mouth onto his. His starchy beard hairs mashed against my face and filled my nose with sebum and tooth rot, the scent of asceticism smelling unsurprisingly like a retirement home.

"Jesus, what are you doing?" I screamed.

"Where is kosher food?" he asked, as though he hadn't just violated my body and his religion. Hasidic men aren't even allowed to shake hands with a woman, but this one was attacking me in full view on the street. The only secret he had to tell me was that he was a pervert; the horrifying result of internal religious oppression. He came toward me again.

"Get away from me," I screamed as I ran into the street, "I am not a Jew!"

That's what happens when you turn your back on god, he sends his most devout to molest you.


Ant said...

Is this for real? Balls on him for just grabbing you and sucking face, for all he knew you were an undercover ninja with snap neck powers lol. As gross as this sounds you can't blame him for bugging you, you are sexy as hell in my book. I know your taken just stating facts. XD

Myka Fox said...

Not only is this story real, it was actually worse. When I tried to pull my head away from his, he really held on.

And, I appreciate the compliment, but I'm pretty sure that my sexiness levels were of little consequence to a man who has been threatened by god to not even look at a woman with intent. He was just hungry for Jew poon.