Saturday, February 21, 2009

Social Tip #17 - Depression

After staring into my sock drawer for a couple hours I agreed to go to brunch with my boyfriend, where I spent another hour staring at the inside of a tofu scramble wrap. Black beans, salsa, bright yellow tofu. Mistakes have been made.

My boyfriend is a nice person who does not need to put up with my fits of depression but does so anyway because he is an eternal optimist. He doesn't see his girlfriend as half-depressed, he sees her as half-full of opportunities to have crying sex.
Boyfriend: Are you okay? Are you mad at me?
I shook my head "no" without looking at him.
Boyfriend: No to both?

Me:
I'm not mad at you. I'm just in a funk.
That's when this curly-haired woman sitting to my right stopped talking on her phone and looked over at us.
Woman: Could you be any more morose? It is a beautiful day, you're in a nice restaurant with this nice guy trying to cheer you up and you can't find anything to be happy about. Are you kidding me?
Fuck. You.
Me: Yes. I'm kidding you. This is a comedy club. Here's my next joke: How could I not be depressed sitting next someone whose life is so empty that she has to shove her unimportance into a stranger's conversation? Now get back on your cell phone and continue to tell your therapist about how other people are dating other people.
I stared at her. She stared back at me.
Woman: Stop staring at me.

Me:
I'm just waiting for you look away to be sure my conversation can continue uninterrupted.
The woman did not look away. Why wouldn't she just look away? I picked up her plate and dropped it onto the ground where its shattered into a few big pieces, leaving food remnants on both of our shoes.
Me: Thanks for cheering me up.
That's when I made the woman eat her destroyed meal off the floor and left.

9 comments:

Miles said...

Myka = Normal
Phone Lady = Hungry

Tony Paladino said...

You should have smashed her phone, then made a witty quip. It's very satisfying, trust me.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes the nice thing about having a boyfriend is that he'll put another woman in her place if she questions how his girlfriend behaves around him.

Then again, sometimes a boy has a girlfriend who wouldn't want their boyfriend acting as if he didn't think she could handle a situation on her own.

What's Myka's take?

Myka Fox said...

Anyone who dates me would know I can handle things on my own. It doesn't mean I should.

As for a hypothetical girlfriend... if she cant handle a guy handling things, then she can't handle things herself and needs him to do it.

Right? Right?

skizzbot said...

What are you talking about? It's completely polite and appropriate to voice your opinion on matters that have nothing to do with you to strangers that don't know you or care in the least what you have to say. I've lost count of the number of times I've given such gold advice as "Abort it! Quick!" to "I think you should have that face mole looked at." People appreciate it.

Myka Fox said...

If you have the right to butt into a conversation, I have the right to tell your girlfriend she needs better self-esteem.

I support your efforts to curb the populaation growth, though.

Anonymous said...

Hypothetical girlfriends are very complicated creatures.

skizzbot said...

In all seriousness, did you make the woman eat her destroyed meal off the floor before leaving?

Myka Fox said...

Yes. I did. Thanks for reminding me.