Social Tip #236 - Target Your Consumer

The Humane Society set up an Adopt-a-Pet truck right next to the hospital...

Lost your mom? Here's a cat.

Fill that hole with something soft. For at least twelve years or so.

Social Tip #214 - Hang In There, Baby

I met someone who worked at a suicide hotline. I said that sounded like the worst job in the world, and that the people who work at suicide hotlines probably need to talk to somebody as much as the people who call in. She told me most people who volunteer at suicide hotlines have actually attempted suicide themselves.

That makes sense. Those who can't do, teach.

Social Tip #212 - Preserve Your Memories

What's this? This thing is a souvenir I got to remember the time I stole this thing.

http://www.loupiote.com/moderate/photos/2633654814.shtml

Social Tip #201 - Hurry Up and Die

If you have the time to complain that you are in a rush, you are not in a real rush. A gazelle doesn't check its watch when it is being chased by a lion.

When a gazelle is running late, it could die.

A near death experience. That's a rush.

Social Tip #136 - Draw Conclusions

I tried to kill myself with a pen, but all that happened was I had to walk around with a bunch of lines on my wrist. It's not mightier.

Social Tip #119 - LOOK ALIVE

Medical advancements are weird. They can't fully fix you or keep you alive forever, they just sort of extend your life. It's basically like saying, "So, you want to stick around for another twenty years?"

I guess so, I don't know. Now there are more options? It's hard enough coming up with the courage to kill myself, and here you are, forcing me to make the decision to live longer? You monsters.

Photo by Articulate Matter

Social Tip #110 - TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS

I was walking down Prince street when I saw a dead bird, the second one I'd noticed in two days that had plummeted to the sidewalk like a ripe fruit. He still looked clean and unruffled, considering, so I stopped to looked up to find how far he had fallen. Above him was a street where there was perched an identical baby bird, only still alive, watching me discover the difference between him and his brother. I never much went in for the cheesiness of old movies, but the sudden sadness I felt as I watched the little guy chirp pulled my hand to my mouth like a 1940's ingenue.

A shiny man in a suit whipped onto my sidewalk. As he hurried by, he assessed the dead bird situation with a glance, and then pushed past me with disgust.

So I started watching him instead, because now he was the most awful thing on the street.

Social Tip #83 - GET FREE MONEY

A friend recently confided in me that she has been able to maintain her debaucherous lifestyle despite being unemployed because she received a surprise inheritance from a distantly related aunt.

Man, I would kill for an inheritance.

Social Tip #80 - LEGALIZE DRUGS

Someone once asked me how I can be so passionate about the legalization of drugs. "Don't you know anyone who has died from a drug overdose?" they asked me.

"No, I don't," I said. "Not anymore."

Social Tip #75 - RESPECT THE PLANET

Got a problem with where you're going to put all your nuclear power plants and other kinds of hazardous systems? Just stick them in the graveyards.

Those people are dead already.

Social Tip #74 - BREAKING UP

No matter what you say when you break up, what you really mean is:

"Sorry, I would rather die alone."

Social Tip #23 - Weddings

The purpose of weddings is mostly just to say goodbye to old people. Like, now you know how my life turned out, Grandma, you can go now.

Social Tip #22 - Heaven

If there is a heaven, where dead people go, then I imagine it looks something like a landfill of corpses, the way the population growth is going.

Social Tip #18 - Respecting Superiors

I used to wear a shirt that read MY FATHER DIED IN A BAKING ACCIDENT. It's a line from a play I was in during high school, everyone who performed in that play got that shirt.

I wore it to work, and my boss asked me what the shirt was about. I told him that a bunch of them were handed out at my father's funeral. There was a terrible oven explosion that took his life, but he had a wonderful sense of humor and would have seen the irony in his death. He would have loved the shirt.

My boss said, "Oh, I'm sorry about that."

I said, "I'm just kidding. My father is a dentist. He is still alive."

My boss said, "My father died from cancer."

I said, "Oh, did you get a shirt?"