Sunday, September 27, 2009

Social Tip #147 - Keep Your Perspective

They say life is precious. Why? Why is it precious? Why is it so rare? It certainly doesn’t feel rare right now. As long as I've known it, life has never been anything but abundant.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Social Tip #146 - Don't Skimp On The Soul Soap

I used to date a guy who broke up with me to move to Israel and convert to orthodox Judaism. I got dumped for God.

I tried to stay friends with him, but anytime we would begin to have some fun he would complain about all of the extra hours of soul cleansing he was going to have to do before going to heaven. Easy there on the soul cleansing, buddy, all we did was say the word "retard" and do impressions of a camera salesman with an accent.

I for one, don't mind the soul cleaning process, I find it enjoyable. Some people like a good bath. And others, choose not to get dirty in the first place.

Social Tip #145 - Exude Proper Breeding

I saw a sign posted for a lost black and white kitten that answered to the name “Panda.” Why would someone name one animal after another animal? Yeah, it kind of looked like a panda, but it still looked more like a cat. They should have named him Cat.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Social Tip #144 - Get Out Of My Space

Now that Facebook has rendered it obsolete, I am disgusted by Myspace. The top friends, the sparkly sticker comments, the shitty bands. Whenever I go back to check up on my old Myspace account, I feel like I am being molested by a former version of myself.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Social Tip #143 - Hide Your Shame

Whenever I see someone praying in public, I'm always embarrassed for them, like they've wet their pants. I always look to see if someone else saw it and then make faces as if to say, "I can't believe they just did that! Why haven't they learned to make it to the bathroom, don't they know they're way behind?"

Really, I don't care if you have never been potty-trained or if you follow rules written by men thousands of years ago who claimed they spoke to a god - I'm sure you have good reasons to be a misfit - but, please, have the decency to hide your shame. Keep your freaky shit in the closet, weirdos.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Social Tip #142 - Break Out Of Your Shell

One of the most puzzling things about New York City is that its magnitude seduces the egos of the most beautiful people in the world, and yet also allows the ugliest messes to feel anonymous enough to be seen in public. I had never seen so much beauty and horror before moving here. Sometimes, when I am walking around the city, I see people who could only be described by aborted Shel Silverstein poems like "The Sideways Man" or "The Unfortunate Face Mashing of Chester Chett."

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Social Tip #141 - Know When To Run

If you are not the gambling type, never buy your food from a grocery store where the most highly advertised items are lottery tickets.

Social Tip #140 - Say Word

People who use "sophisticated" more than once in a sentence, never are. (SEE: Bone Thugs-n-Harmony)

Monday, September 14, 2009

Social Tip #139 - Make Your Peace

As recently evidenced by a friend's volleyball team's tank top, it is clear that most people don't know the difference between a peace sign and the Mercedes logo. Nice going, Germany, that's two symbols of peace you've ruined in a century.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Social Tip #138 - Invent Yourself

It is easy to criticize how stupid network programming is, but, on the whole, I am thoroughly impressed with what our species has achieved . If every human in all of existence had been me, we would have never created cameras or televisions. We wouldn't even have houses to watch them in, I could never build a house. I can't even buy a house. I can't even watch the show House, because I can't afford TV. Mykas would have spent all of human history figuring out the canoe, at best. There would have been no Renaissance, we wouldn't even get to the Dark Ages, I don't know how to make a welding machine. I would have needed a welding machine welding machine, and I wouldn't even have been able to come up with that.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Social Tip #137 - Hit Rock Bottom

I bought a 12-step book that claimed an addict had to hit rock bottom before finding the strength to quit. That doesn't apply to me; there is no rock bottom for a weed smoker. The lowest I ever got was when I bought a 12-step book because I was too high to know what I was buying. And another time when I tried to smoke a candle wick.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Social Tip #136 - Draw Conclusions

I tried to kill myself with a pen, but all that happened was I had to walk around with a bunch of lines on my wrist. It's not mightier.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Social Tip #135 - Maintain Your Personal Space

Watching "Cosmos." I love how Carl Sagan describes the solar system as a family; such a comforting image despite it being a cold and massive darkness that is beyond everyday comprehension. How did he know that that was how I viewed my family?

Social Tip #134 - Buy Any Other Name

Some people believe that your name influences the outcome of your life. So, if your name is "Armstrong," you will either be the first person on the moon, or you will lose a testicle.

And somebody has already been to the moon.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Social Tip #133 - Sharpen Your Mind

I know someone who fucked a girl he referred to as "Pencil Face." How can you fuck someone you think that way about? When he was in bed with her, was he like, "Oh, yes! Pencil Face!" Or did he just close his eyes and think, "Oh, yes! Eraser Face!"?