Social Tip #120 - BE THERE

My dad explained a scene to me from the original "The Taking of Pelham 123," and I disappointed him by not laughing as hard as he was.

"I guess you had to be there," he said.

You guess I had to be where? In the movie theater, when the scene happened? Or alive, when the movie came out?

Scenes from TV or movies are never funny secondhand. Yes, Curb Your Enthusiasm is a great show, but if I wanted to enjoy it, I would watch it. Stop trying to drown me in your bucket of yawns.

Social Tip #114 - SCREEN YOUR FRIENDS

A friend told me they met a Hollywood starlet. "She was disgustingly skinny in real life, but on screen she looks just like you. Imagine, if you were on screen, you'd probably look like Rosie O'Donnell."

I know there was supposed to be some sort of compliment in there, but I've only ever seen what Rosie O'Donnell looks like on screen. Does that mean I look like her in real life?

Social Tip #110 - TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS

I was walking down Prince street when I saw a dead bird, the second one I'd noticed in two days that had plummeted to the sidewalk like a ripe fruit. He still looked clean and unruffled, considering, so I stopped to looked up to find how far he had fallen. Above him was a street where there was perched an identical baby bird, only still alive, watching me discover the difference between him and his brother. I never much went in for the cheesiness of old movies, but the sudden sadness I felt as I watched the little guy chirp pulled my hand to my mouth like a 1940's ingenue.

A shiny man in a suit whipped onto my sidewalk. As he hurried by, he assessed the dead bird situation with a glance, and then pushed past me with disgust.

So I started watching him instead, because now he was the most awful thing on the street.