Social Tip #159 - Check Yourself

Whenever I go to the public library, I am awed by all of the books. There are so many books and they all look really boring. Sometimes, out of excitement, I settle myself in a corner with huge stacks of them for closer inspection and they are. They are really boring.

I never check anything out, it is too incriminating. Any time a serial killer is caught he always has a steady library record.

Social Tip #156 - Fight For Your Rights

I met a serviceman before he was sent off on his second tour of Iraq. I asked him why he got into the Army, he said, "I would rather die for my country than stay here to work for minimum wage."

Apparently $7.25 an hour is worth dying for, it's just not worth working for.

The military should pull recruits directly out of the low-paying retail and restaurant workforce, nothing motivates prejudice more than failure to tip.

Social Tip #83 - GET FREE MONEY

A friend recently confided in me that she has been able to maintain her debaucherous lifestyle despite being unemployed because she received a surprise inheritance from a distantly related aunt.

Man, I would kill for an inheritance.

Social Tip #12 - Relationships

The other night my boyfriend asked me a question while I was staring off into space. He caught me off guard so I told him the truth.

Boyfriend: What are you thinking about?

Me: One of these days I'm going to kill you.

Cold stare.

Boyfriend: You are? Really?

Me: No... why? Are you?

Boyfriend: Of course not.

Me: Great. Now all the mystery is out of the relationship.

I like the mystery in my relationships to be a murder mystery.

Me: Hey! What are you doing with those candle sticks?

Boyfriend: They're for our romantic evening together.

Me: Oh. Then what are you doing with those ropes?

Boyfriend: They're for our romantic evening together.

Me: Oh. Then what are you doing with that lead pipe?

Boyfriend: That's for later when I cut all of your hair off and clog the toilet with it.

Me: Oh.