Social Tip #133 - Sharpen Your Mind

I know someone who fucked a girl he referred to as "Pencil Face." How can you fuck someone you think that way about? When he was in bed with her, was he like, "Oh, yes! Pencil Face!" Or did he just close his eyes and think, "Oh, yes! Eraser Face!"?

Social Tip #55 - Solitude

I walked by the Guitar Center last night, and there were two desperate art fucks standing outside of it, leaning on the wall.

"What are you listening to?" one of them asked me, interested I presume in starting our affair with a conversation about his musical expertise.

"Nothing," I said.

"Come on, I just want to know what you're into," he pressed.

"I'm not listening to anything," I said, "I just wear these headphones so that people will think I can't hear them and won't try to talk to me, but it doesn't always work."

Social Tip #49 - Pretentiousness*

Somebody told me that I was pretentious.

I said, "I'm not pretentious, you just don't understand me because you're fucking stupid."

*Not pretention, you art fuck.

Social tip #43 - College

I saw a billboard today advertising Pembroke College. It read "Go here to become what you want to be," and then there was a picture of a guy in a hat.

"Go here to wear a hat. The rest is up to you!"

The hat wasn't even a graduation cap. It was just some art fuck wearing a fedora.

"Go here to waste your parents money so that you can stand around all day and judge other people for not having a college degree. Or a hat."

Not that I'm saying you can't wear a hat. You can wear whatever you want to. Just not as a life goal.