Social Tip #211 - Attend To Your Deficits

When will people recognize my genius? When I finish reading my ADD book?

I doubt it. By then people will be saying, "Where has Myka been?" Because thirty years have passed. It's a long book.

Who writes a 500 page book for people with ADD? It says IN THE BOOK that many people with ADD have never finished a book. If they wanted us to get all the content, they should have published multiple books, and only put the relevant information in the first thirty pages of each.

To wit: I use books I'm reading to bookmark books I'm reading.

Social Tip #137 - Hit Rock Bottom

I bought a 12-step book that claimed an addict had to hit rock bottom before finding the strength to quit. That doesn't apply to me; there is no rock bottom for a weed smoker. The lowest I ever got was when I bought a 12-step book because I was too high to know what I was buying. And another time when I tried to smoke a candle wick.

Social Tip #2: Crashing a Party

I like to party and I am poor, so I've found it is best to crash rich people's parties because they have a lot of booze and have nice things to steal. Inevitably, though, what will happen is that you will run into invited guests who want to know who you are and why you are not also wearing a black sequined tank top. Before honing my social skills, the conversation may have gone something like this:

Invited Guest: Sooo..... how do you know Jonathan?
Me: Who's Jonathan?

Rookie mistake. Jonathan is the host, that is why the invited guest wanted to know how I knew him. This is how it should go:

Invited Guest: Sooo...... how do you know Jonathan?
Me: Jonathan and I contribute to the same charitable organization.
Invited Guest: Or really? Which one?
Me: Poor people... reading... to children.

Saying that you contribute to the same charity works because it makes people think that you are rich enough to give your money to strangers. Also, it is hard to get caught in this lie because even if the invited guest knows that Jonathan is a prick and doesn't care about other people, it is impolite to say so to a stranger.

You will find your charity can be useful as the conversation continues:

Invited Guest: Isn't that Jonathan's wrought iron fire stoker?
Me: No, we have the same one. They were given to the top donors at the "Teaching Poor People to Read to Children Semi-Annual Gala." Where were you?

Note: it is important to pick a good charity that is beneficial without question, like teaching poor people to read to children. Don't go out on a limb with anything rich people might find controversial, like finding a cure for AIDS.