Social Tip #223 - Use Your Words

"Same diff."

Remember same diff? What did that mean?

"I was wrong."

Social Tip #222 - Clear the Smoke Screen

I hate that weed is called a "gateway drug."

Weed isn't a gateway to anything. It isn't a gateway to other drugs, it isn't a gateway to a career, it isn't a gateway to washing your clothes.

Weed isn't a gateway to anything, except maybe thinking about getting more weed, the only side effect of which is stoner stress.

*stoner stress (n) - A weed smoker's anxiety that his drug dealer will arrive before he has had a chance to hit the ATM.

Social Tip #221 - Sing Empty Nursery Rhymes

First comes love,

then comes marriage,

then comes the baby in the baby miscarriage.

Social Tip #220 - Interview With A Temp-Hire

I am not good at job interviews, but I don't think I should be. I am not interviewing to be an interviewee. One lady asked me what my five year plan was. I don't have a five year plan. I'm not totally straight with what I'm going to eat for lunch. I winged it and said, "I guess my five year plan will start with me leaving this interview and going to eat a bowl of soup. Don't worry, it won't be my first soup. I have a lot of soup experience. Once I get the job I'm just going to be walking your dogs, right? You won't be asking me questions that make me feel bad about my life decisions every time I come into work, right?"

If I had a real five year plan, I would have started it five years ago.

Social Tip #219 - Won't You KGB My Neighbor?

So I'm going up the stairs and my angry Russian neighbor lunges out and screams "You walk like a pedophile!"

And I'm like, "What the fuck does that mean?"

I went around asking anyone who might know Russian about it, "Walking like a pedophile, is that like a thing you say? Does it mean anything?"

Because, to me, I would think a pedophile walks really quietly to not get caught.

It turned out nobody had ever heard of the phrase, so all I can think is that maybe my angry neighbor is angry because he was molested by somoene who wore high-heeled boots.

Social Tip #218 - Cut Deeply

I discovered that even though my family is Jewish, we also have a coat of arms.

It features the double-edged sword.

Social Tip #217 - Become a Cliche

Last night someone asked me "How's it going?"

And I responded, "Not so bad it hurts, not so good it pays."

And there it was: an instant classic.

No one ever wonders where these lines come from, but they come from me. They come from people like me. And I'm worried that this great thing I said will be lost to the masses so, for the record, I said it first.

I know it is petty to lay claim like this, but I am petty. I have to be, I don't have anything. I don't even have friends that I like. Credit is all I am going to get.

The only other alternative I have is using the line in real life and then quoting myself afterward:

"Not so bad it hurts, not so good it pays. -- Myka Fox"

It is no worse than what Twitter is -- a copyright center for egomaniacs.

Follow me: http://twitter.com/MykaFox

Social Tip #216 - Taste the Truth

Remember the tongue map?

Turns out, it was all a lie! Every part of your tongue can taste every taste.

Students have been testing the tongue map as a science project for generations, if we hadn't all been grade mongers or idiots that theory could have been disproved decades ago.

Social Tip #215 - Divide and Conquer

I wouldn't say I'm a fan of most abortions, but I am partial to birth abortions.

Social Tip #214 - Hang In There, Baby

I met someone who worked at a suicide hotline. I said that sounded like the worst job in the world, and that the people who work at suicide hotlines probably need to talk to somebody as much as the people who call in. She told me most people who volunteer at suicide hotlines have actually attempted suicide themselves.

That makes sense. Those who can't do, teach.

Social Tip #213 - Find Shlomo

It depresses me to see twins and triplets dressed up the same, and today I saw over one hundred Hasidic Jews in the park. It's wrong to say that any one race looks alike, but they are doing it on purpose.

It's like a practical joke by the Jews on everyone else, originally, and now on themselves.

"Hey uh, lets all freak everyone out and wear the same thing tomorrow. And everyday. Forever. It'll be a hoot."

Their world is a Hasidic Where's Waldo.

Social Tip #212 - Preserve Your Memories

What's this? This thing is a souvenir I got to remember the time I stole this thing.

http://www.loupiote.com/moderate/photos/2633654814.shtml

Social Tip #211 - Attend To Your Deficits

When will people recognize my genius? When I finish reading my ADD book?

I doubt it. By then people will be saying, "Where has Myka been?" Because thirty years have passed. It's a long book.

Who writes a 500 page book for people with ADD? It says IN THE BOOK that many people with ADD have never finished a book. If they wanted us to get all the content, they should have published multiple books, and only put the relevant information in the first thirty pages of each.

To wit: I use books I'm reading to bookmark books I'm reading.

Social Tip #210 - Slip Through the Cracks

I love crackheads. Unlike the other street snobs (belligerent homeless, Hasidic Jews, etc.), crackheads are so oblivious to reality that they can be stared at freely.

Beware, though, the crackhead curse! Never look one in the eyes.

If you look a crackhead in the eyes, you're next.

Social Tip #209 - Avoid Calculating People

China is going to take over the world because the Chinese are all about accuracy.

Chinese people are so accurate, they're Japanese.