Social Tip #241 - Don't Throw the Baby Out With the Bathwater

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, let the bathwater drain and throw the baby out with the garbage.

Social Tip #240 - Ask A Stupid Question

Me: I love you, do you still love me?

Boyfriend: I guess.

Me: Well, your guess is as good as mine.

Social Tip #239 - Ride With the Heaven's Devils

Normally when I see people riding bicycles, I'm like, "What are you, from the past? Or Chinese?"

That is, unless, Hasidic Jews are riding them. They're so far back in the past they make bikes look futuristic. Are they allowed to use something that advanced?

Social Tip #238 - Run Away

I always keep my shoelaces tied, I don't like to talk to old people.

Social Tip #237 - No Yourself

I've spent my whole life wondering, "Who am I?"

And now I know. I am the person who constantly wonders who they are.

Social Tip #236 - Target Your Consumer

The Humane Society set up an Adopt-a-Pet truck right next to the hospital...

Lost your mom? Here's a cat.

Fill that hole with something soft. For at least twelve years or so.

Social Tip #235 - Anticreate

I don't want children, but if I ever did, I would adopt. I don't want a baby that looks like me, I want one that is a product of people so attractive that they had to fuck no matter what.

Social Tip #234 - Quit From Home

I've had a lot of jobs and they always end the same way. They always end with me deciding I don’t want to work at a place anymore and then just stop showing up. I never quit. Why should I bother to go in to quit? I don’t work there anymore.

Social Tip #233 - Hooked On A Feline

Do you ever hear something and you know immediately that it's true?

I found out recently that there's a parasite that you get from cats, and the parasite makes your brain like cats more. You think you're in control of your brain, you're not. The parasites are in your brain and are like, "I love cats." And I know that that's true because anytime there's a cat nearby I just want to kiss it immediately. I just want to have mouth to mouth contact with its cute parasitic face. I just want to make out with it, and put my mouth around its head and just hold it there, they're so cute. That's the parasites, right? I'm not just some weird cat pervert.

Social Tip #232 - Bite Me

I went to a dog friendly picnic this weekend and while petting someone's dachshund I made the mistake of saying, "Wow, this dog is so soft." Immediately another dog owner pushed the dachshund away and shoved her own dog in front of me saying, "My dog is soft! Pet my dog! She's so soft, isn't she?"

Oh, did I say that someone else's dog was soft? I meant that I liked that other dog's owner better.

Social Tip #231 - Hang Meow To Dry

I walked through an ASPCA pet adoption truck today because misery loves company. It was full of used cats and dogs, all of them came with a sob story.

“Meet Pickles! Pickles is a three year old tabby who has been fed only pickle juice and screams in her sleep. Pickles is waiting for the right family to show her what love is."

“Here lies Casserole (2010-2010)! Casserole died while stuck under the commercial restaurant oven he was born in. Casserole has been tested positive for worms, feline HIV, and HIV."

It was like a feral haunted house.

They might have been autopsies.

Social Tip # 230 - If You Can't Say Anything Nice, Say Something (with) Mean(ing)

A serious painter just told me that "ambiguity is fun." What is that supposed to mean?

Am I having fun yet?

Social Tip #229 - Youth In Hot Pants

They are making designer diapers. Faux denim hot pants for your baby to piss and shit into. That's best case scenario. If you put those diapers on your baby and it doesn't piss and shit into them,you have an even bigger problem than being a rich douche bag.

What are you doing spending all of your money on your baby like that? What do you think it is, a dog? What's next, you're going to let it sleep in bed with you? Feed it people food? When it gets sick will you take it to the humane society to be euthanized? No, you won't. The humane society is for animals, not humans. Only our pets receive that level of dignity in death. When people refer to being left to die like a dog, I assume they are bragging that they were flown to Portland and administered opiates to ease the pain.

And I don't get the whole hot pants aspect of them. Who are you trying to get to fuck your baby? What park are you taking your baby to, Port Authority?

I'm waiting for the hot pants you can piss and shit into for adults. I'm not talking about adult diapers like depends, these hot pants won't be for people who need them, they will be for people who want them. Like Lindsay Lohan.

Social Tip #228 - Go Up on the Governor

There are a million signs posted along the West Side Highway for the heliport. "This way to the Heliport... Heliport in two lefts.... Heliport next left.... Heliport." They don't need that many signs. There aren't a lot of new faces at the heliport, people who use and own helicopters are repeat visitors. And they don't drive themselves, they can afford drivers who know where they're going and ride in limos with GPS machines.

No one is like, "I just bought a helicopter, now where in the hell do I land this thing?"

My problem isn't that the signs are a big "fuck you" to the people who have to look at them while stuck in traffic. Fuck the people in traffic, at least they have cars. I have to take the G-train and suffer constant unannounced disruptions. The last time I rode the G-train it stopped at a sliding-scale gyno and force-pap smeared me. No signs were posted. They must have used up all the signage on the heliport.

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Yankee Oscar Uniform

Social Tip #227 - Just Sane, No

I am a really nervous person. I've been biting my nails for as long as I can remember. I got a stomach ulcer when I was nine.

I would try medication, but the thought of becoming addicted to anti-anxiety pills freaks me out.