Social Tip #63 - Terrorism*

Last night I went to a party, and the drunkenness led naturally to 9/11 (2001) stories.

Here's mine, the best I remember it...

I was woken up by a phone call at 2pm, that's 5pm New York time, I was living in Irvine, CA.

Me: Hello?

It was my roommate, Jen...

Jen: Don't bother coming up, they've closed fair. Not like you were going to.

(Jen made quesadillas at the state fair and was always very proud to claim she came from "carnie stock." She only kinda did, her dad rented out booths, and ran a few of them, but he was really a lawyer - ex-lawyer? - who preferred the fair. I met her family many times, they were all very well-read and civilized. Saying that she had a carnie bloodline was more of a true joke than anything.)

Me: They closed it? Why?

Jen: They think it might not be safe.

Me: Why not? Did some kid finally die on a roller coaster?

Jen: No, I know. Every place that attracts large numbers of people is being closed down. I don't really get why they're worried about the fair. Who would bother to attack the fair?

Me: What are you talking about?

Jen: ...

Me: Hello?

Jen: Oh my god, did you just wake up?

Me: Yeah. It's two.

Jen: Oh man. Turn on the TV.

Me: What channel?

Jen: Any channel.

I turned it on, just an aerial view of smoke and a pile of rubble.

Me: Ok, what am I looking at?

Jen: The World Trade Center.

Me: What, did Osama Bin Laden finally get that thing?

(The World Trade Center sounds like one building, not two, doesn't it? It did to me.)

Jen: Planes flew into them, nobody knows what happened. Who is Osama Bin Laden?

Me: I don't know, actually. I think its some dude who tried to bomb that building a few years ago.

(I couldn't figure out how I knew that at that moment, but since then I've remembered I had watched a really creepy 20/20 thing or something with his video when I was in high school.)

Jen: Well. It was planes. They're not even sure it wasn't an accident.

Me: Either way, I bet he's fuckin' stoked.

Jen: Myka, this is a big deal.

Me: Really? Was it a big building or something? ...

I assumed that shit got bombed and blown up all the time. I knew I didn't know what the World Trade Center was, or even where it was, so I figured that things getting blown up all the time was part of the reality of this planet that went on without my knowledge.

I spent the rest of the afternoon glued to the TV, noticing how the rubble was a slightly different hue of gray on different channels, feeling sad for the people that died, and realizing that the WTC was the same thing as the twin towers, which were the same things as the buildings I remember seeing as a child in the skyline of "Muppets Take Manhattan."

*Do not terrorize

Social Tip # 62 - Avoidance

Hi. I've been neglecting the blog this week to take care of:

1) Taxes (And no, I still have not finished them and have not gotten an extension.)

2) Eviction Court (And no, my crazy roommate has still not been removed from my apartment but instead has started a collection of empty coffee cans and old newspapers on the kitchen floor... perhaps to prepare for a life as a homeless person? Have I even mentioned this nut bag before? This isn't the guy who pees in Coke bottles, this is the 50 year old bike messenger who decided one day to stop paying rent. I will miss him, he has incredible OCD that causes him to bleach out the shower once a week. It's great, I haven't had to clean the toilet once in the two years I've lived here.)

3) Work (Trying to get work, trying to keep the work I've got. Trying to work is work.)

I will write more provocative content soon. Until then, here is a picture of a crazy lady:

Social Tip #15 - Charity

A couple summers ago, after a day of Coney Island beer-conning and freak staring, I realized I had lost my keys somewhere on the beach. I couldn't call my roommate because it was Friday night and he had recently become a super-orthodox Jew. As such, god would not allow him to answer his cell. I decided to sit at the 24 hour Dunkin' Donuts around the corner and wait for a yarmulke and curly hair to walk by.*

I found myself a table outside, all of the regular players were there.

The Vampire- This guy with white skin and long dark hair who argued with people. He was ALWAYS there, especially at night, and would be considered homeless except that he always had enough money to buy a coffee and setup shop.

Sad Girl - She technically worked there except she never once served me. She usually just stood outside and smoked and wore dark eyeliner and never smiled. She had a nicer phone than I did. I used to be jealous of her until I caught her out of her uniform one day and she was wearing a one-piece denim jumpsuit. Caught me totally by surprise.

Fatty Watch Checker - This guy sat at a table inside and stared at his watch like he was waiting for someone to come or something to do. Of course, this was just for show. He was just a fat guy in a donut shop.

Biker Chick - She looked like Emily from the original 90210. She wore a purple eyeshadow, I owned the same color but was too embarrassed to wear it.

A man came up to me.

Man: Will you keep an eye on my baby carriage?

I looked. He was indeed pushing a baby carriage.

Me: I think you should probably take your baby with you inside to buy donuts.
Man: Nah, I don't have a baby in there, just my stuff. It will only be a second.
Me: Okay

The man pushed his carriage next to me and walked away. He did not go into the Dunkin Donuts but instead walked completely out of my sight. He left to die, and I was now responsible for a stroller.

He came back ten minutes later.

Man: Thanks for taking care of this for me
Me: Sure. Why do you have a baby carriage?
Man: It's where I keep my stuff. Cops are less likely to harass me when I'm pushing it around.
Me: Good idea.

Oh. He was homeless. And kind of cute. That summer was marked by desperation for men. I always made excuses for them like, he's homeless, isn't that exciting? I love to travel. He's a magician? Hot. I bet when he ejaculates he just keeps coming and coming in different colors, like they do with scarves.

Man: I have something for you, for doing me a favor.
Me: Oh, no. That's unnecessary.
Man: Just wait a second.

The man started fishing around in his baby carriage. He pulled out what looked like a baby wrapped in paper.

Man: Here. Try this. It's a sandwich, it's delicious.
Me: No, thanks.
Man: No, its really good. Au Bon Pain gives them to me when they can't sell them at the end of they day. I love these things.
Me: No, thanks I'm fine. You keep it.
Man: I have a million of them. I want you to have it for doing me a favor. Besides, you're stuck out here at night, too.

It was true. I was locked out of my house, so for the time being a was technically homeless. I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I took his charity. Plus, it looked kind of good. I wanted to eat the sandwich.

I didn't want the homeless man or any of the other freaks to see me eat it, though. I had my dignity to preserve. I excused myself from the Dunkin Donuts and went to wait for my Jew-mate on our stoop. I sat in the darkness and unwrapped the sandwich. The bread was soggy from the wilted lettuce, vegetable condensation, and vinegar dressing. The cheese was age-melted. I huddled over myself as I ate so that no one would be able to see my homeless sandwich. When people passed by me on the street I jolted up and gave them a guilty look as though I was filming child pornography. The sandwich wasn't good, but it got better, and then worse again by the time I finished it and hid the wrapper in my purse.

My roommate came home, let me in, and asked me to turn the lights on and off for him because god wouldn't let him do it himself. Gross.

* Some people have said that I am a self-hating Jew. That is not entirely true. I just hate myself. And I am Jewish. And though I don't like the Jewish people, they shouldn't take it personally, I should. I am not a self-hating Jew, I am a god-hating Jew.