Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Social Tip #233 - Hooked On A Feline

Do you ever hear something and you know immediately that it's true?

I found out recently that there's a parasite that you get from cats, and the parasite makes your brain like cats more. You think you're in control of your brain, you're not. The parasites are in your brain and are like, "I love cats." And I know that that's true because anytime there's a cat nearby I just want to kiss it immediately. I just want to have mouth to mouth contact with its cute parasitic face. I just want to make out with it, and put my mouth around its head and just hold it there, they're so cute. That's the parasites, right? I'm not just some weird cat pervert.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Social Tip #232 - Bite Me

I went to a dog friendly picnic this weekend and while petting someone's dachshund I made the mistake of saying, "Wow, this dog is so soft." Immediately another dog owner pushed the dachshund away and shoved her own dog in front of me saying, "My dog is soft! Pet my dog! She's so soft, isn't she?"

Oh, did I say that someone else's dog was soft? I meant that I liked that other dog's owner better.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Social Tip #231 - Hang Meow To Dry

I walked through an ASPCA pet adoption truck today because misery loves company. It was full of used cats and dogs, all of them came with a sob story.
“Meet Pickles! Pickles is a three year old tabby who has been fed only pickle juice and screams in her sleep. Pickles is waiting for the right family to show her what love is."
“Here lies Casserole (2010-2010)! Casserole died while stuck under the commercial restaurant oven he was born in. Casserole has been tested positive for worms, feline HIV, and HIV."
It was like a feral haunted house.
They might have been autopsies

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Social Tip # 230 - If You Can't Say Anything Nice, Say Something (with) Mean(ing)

A serious painter just told me that "ambiguity is fun." What is that supposed to mean?

Am I having fun yet?

Monday, August 09, 2010

Social Tip #229 - Youth In Hot Pants

They are making designer diapers. Faux denim hot pants for your baby to piss and shit into. That's best case scenario. If you put those diapers on your baby and it doesn't piss and shit into them,you have an even bigger problem than being a rich douche bag.

What are you doing spending all of your money on your baby like that? What do you think it is, a dog? What's next, you're going to let it sleep in bed with you? Feed it people food? When it gets sick will you take it to the humane society to be euthanized? No, you won't. The humane society is for animals, not humans. Only our pets receive that level of dignity in death. When people refer to being left to die like a dog, I assume they are bragging that they were flown to Portland and administered opiates to ease the pain.

And I don't get the whole hot pants aspect of them. Who are you trying to get to fuck your baby? What park are you taking your baby to, Port Authority?

I'm waiting for the hot pants you can piss and shit into for adults. I'm not talking about adult diapers like depends, these hot pants won't be for people who need them, they will be for people who want them. Like Lindsay Lohan.