Thursday, January 28, 2010

Social Tip #192 - Leggo My Legacy

Don't bother trying to leave a legacy. Dinosaurs were here for a 165 million years and all it is ever said they did was roam the earth.

That's not all they did, it's just all they do now.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Social Tip # 191 - Let Me Know Her Better

"Hold the fucking door, I just had leg surgery!"

A woman jumped through the closing doors of the F train, no limping, no crutches, and continued what appeared to be an ongoing phone conversation despite being underground.

"...On the F train. The fucking F train... (notices stroller across from her) ...Oh, I'm sorry, you have a child....Who am I with? My pussy, my ass, my nose, and my brother. Oh wait, and my mouth. All my holes."

I execute a sideways stare to investigate the new love of my life. She is a twenty-something woman in fatigues and fishnets, and while I am trying not to look at her, she is looking around at everyone else and we make eye contact. If she sensed my love/fear, she was not changed by it.

"I don't got a dick, you got a dick. And that shit ain't clean."

I don't believe in God, but I said a little prayer just in case. Please let this woman be going where I'm going. Let me know her better.

"That's not red wine, there's blood on my lip from fighting with my dog. You have nice teeth, ya bitch!"

Then she did a little dance and jumped out the train doors as they were closing at the next stop.

If I never see her again, God doesn't exist.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Social Tip #190 - Face Your Fears

I sometimes work at a cosmetics dynasty where people daily dress up like runway models and discuss how soon they expect to be getting engaged. One executive required her entire office be rearranged, including rewiring her outlets, because she "can't face west."

All these people should march right into the incinerator.

"I can't. The incinerator is facing west."

Friday, January 22, 2010

Social Tip #189 - Take One To Know Won

In high school my choir awarded me with the "Most Improved Singer" award. It was the only thing I had ever won. I won the same award again the following year. The triumph was not that I had improved so much, but that I had so much to improve. Winning feels like losing.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Social Tip #188 - Hate By Numbers

If most of these women think they've made a mistake having an abortion, then most of these women probably made a mistake thinking they've made a mistake. They make mistakes all the time, who can say which mistakes are really mistakes?

The only people who have definitely made mistakes are the statisticians. I bet ninety percent of women who have had abortions aren't even alive.


Monday, January 18, 2010

Social Tip #187 - Don't Powder Your Fetus

No. No no no. Google Ads put a giant pro-life banner on my blog. It's like they don't even read it at all. Don't you know that I hate carrying pregnancies to term, Google Ads? Have you no soul?

What is a pro-life product? I'll tell you this, it is not a live baby. Heritage House makes models of fetuses in varying stages. Gross. Here is how they describe them:

"The baby’s weight and the feeling of the skin is so real that people want to cuddle and protect them."

I'm pretty sure you shouldn't cuddle a two-week-old fetus. Unless you are on death row, then pretty much anything you do is fair game.

"Just like a real preborn, they recoil when you move their features."

I recoiled when I heard this description. What the fuck is a preborn? Their scientific evidence is clearly dubious. A real preborn is called a fetus, and if you are able to "move their features," then it is outside of the womb because you have aborted it. Don't you know you shouldn't play with your aborted fetus, weirdo?

"Their care even includes an occasional powdering, just like real babies."

Please do not powder your fetus.

Here is a picture of what we are talking about. This set is displayed in "Ethnic Black," because the good pro-lifer doesn't use racially assumptive propaganda.

Social Tip #186 - Refund Madness

A couple years ago I met a guy who wanted to get into a relationship after two dates. Despite his obvious desperation, I said yes. Getting into a relationship too soon is like buying something on sale: it's probably damaged, but you might as well get it at the discounted price now, you can always return it later.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Social Tip #185 - New World Hoarder

I don't understand America's need to organize everything and stick it in a labeled container. It's still the same mess, it's still a mass of papers and business cards and bullshit, but sealed airtight in a plastic box. To keep the mess fresh, I guess.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Social Tip #184 - Robot-Class Hero

A lot of people are complaining that computers and robots are taking jobs from real workers. I say, "Good! Let the computers do the work! Let the people rest; the work's still gettin' done, right?"

I don't see any harm, as long as the Chinese people don't realize they're not robots before they have built enough robots to replace themselves.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Social Tip #183 - Drink Iced Coffee

I got into an argument with a pro-lifer outside a coffee shop. She tried to prove a fetus was alive by telling me that it already had fingernails and tooth buds.

Yeah? So does a corpse. I think you need to narrow your definition of alive.

If the woman hadn't thrown hot coffee in my face, I imagine the pro-lifer's next logical point would be to say that a corpse doesn't have a beating heart.

And I would say, a chicken has a beating heart, but nobody puts a "Chicken On Board" sign on the back of their car. Would you trap your fetus in a cage until you eventually cut its head off and watched it run around with blood spurting out of its neck? No, you wouldn't, because unlike a stupid chicken, a fetus can't run.

Then the pro-lifer would throw hot coffee in my face again.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Social Tip #182 - Turn That Frown Upside-Down

On "Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew" the doctor told this girl that she smiled all the time because she didn't want to show others how hurt she was on the inside, so now I try not to smile because I don't want people thinking I'm molested.